"Dear JB" Mailbag #3

[just experimenting with titles for this series...I'm certainly open to suggestions]

Dear JB:

So I’m a DM and I play games with people i hardly know. I feel like I’m not having fun cause I don’t know these people and I feel like I have to put on a good show. The pressure feels heavy when I’m prepping. My real friends don’t play D&D but I know I would have fun playing with people I actually knew… but instead I feel like I’m about to give a presentation in front of work CEOs (if that’s a good example of the feeling)

I'm Not Having Fun

Dear INHF:

First thing's first: running a game of D&D is not about "putting on a good show." You are not a dancing monkey. Your livelihood is not dependent on you currying the favor of your players. If you go down the road of having to please people as a DM, I daresay you will never have "fun" running the game. Get that firmly screwed down in your noggin.

In fact, I'd hazard to guess that the main issue here isn't that you can't game with your "real friends," but that you don't know or understand what it is to be a DM and why it is that you take on the role. Because once you do understand, it doesn't matter at all who you're playing with, so long as they abide by the standards of etiquette and behavior you've set for your table.

Not. At. All.

When I was a kid (i.e. through college) my gaming groups consisted of players my own age (maybe a year older or younger) almost exclusively pulled from my own social circle, i.e. my friends. That has it's own complicated effects based on the outside social dynamic, but for the most part it was good...or good enough. 

However, there's this thing called life that eventually comes along. People move away. People get jobs. People get married. People have kids. Priorities change. Sometimes, sadly, people die. If your sole reason for gaming was playing with the same group of buddies for the social aspect, this "life thing" can really sound the death knell for your hobby.

For me, that wasn't the case. There came a time when I decided gaming was just always going to be a part of my life, so deep was my love for the game. And so I had to find people to play with...a fairly daunting task, back in the days before (internet enabled) social networking made it a lot easier.

Yet even with the ease that developing technology has given us in putting together groups, the prospect of playing with Random Strangers can seem intimidating. Fortunately for both of us, INHF, we have the Great Gift of being Dungeon Masters; there are multiple advantages to this:

1. There are far more potential players than DMs in the world...so many that I honestly doubt there are enough to go around. In terms of workload, DMs assume the bulk of what comes with the game of D&D...and humans being generally lazy (er, "prone to inertia"), you're just going to find a lot fewer people willing to take up the mantle.
2. As a Dungeon Master, you control who and what goes on at your table. 

Personally, I find it rather freeing to DM for random strangers: I don't have to worry about the social dynamics away from the table and I can bring all my focus and attention to running the game. Over the last couple decades I've had the opportunity to run games for a whole swath of people, geezers and youngsters, newbies and old hands, and just enjoyed the hell out of working on my craft. Some of these "randos" have even turned into folks I'd consider "friends" (certainly "solid acquaintances") away from the table...people I continue to keep in touch with, even though "life" has gotten in the way of us gaming together. It's a rather beautiful thing.

So, INHF, stop worrying about who you game with and how you appear to those people. Instead, focus your attention on the game you want to run. Do that and you'll find all your performance anxiety melting away.

Sincerely,

JB