Tuesday, December 5, 2023

And Finally (*sigh*) Blood Bowl

This will not be a long post. 

We are 12 games through the (now) 17 game season...more than 70%. The end is fast approaching and the Seahawks are probably looking at missing the playoffs. Losing to the Rams twice means the skaven have the tie-breaker over us (even though they are a bad, bad team).  The Packers, Lord help us, are probably going to get 10 wins down the stretch with their remaining schedule. And the Vikings, despite all their woes might...might...even have a chance to sneak in over us. 

Even after a 6-3 start. Even after acquiring everything Pete Carroll said they needed to acquire in the off-season, two years running: offensive linemen. Pass rushers. More stellar defensive backs. Bobby Wagner. And more offensive weapons (Charbonnet and Smith-Njigma) to add to a full cupboard of offensive weapons (Metcalf, Lockett, Walker).

What. The. Hell. Is the problem?

Orks. Orks being orks. That's it.

Oh...and Jamal Adams. And Geno Smith.

Smith is...fine. He's an ork thrower: no more, no less. Not every team in the NFL is composed of high elves and wood elves...they just ain't. There are those teams, make no mistake. But the Seahawks have never been that type of outfit...not when they've been good, certainly not when they've been bad. They are a waaagh team; always have been. We can go down the list:

Jim Zorn: ork thrower
Dave Krieg: ork lineman (but with a lot of star skills)
Rick Mirer: ork thrower (add dodge...happy feet!)
Warren Moon: ork thrower (with a LOT of arm talent, despite being long in the tooth)
Matthew Hasselbeck: ork thrower (good number of star player points)
Tavaris Jackson: ork thrower
Russell Wilson: goblin (with a lot of star player skills)

[there really no need to mention guys like Gelbaugh, McGwire, Stouffer, Whitehurst...oh, boy, we've had some baaaaad ork QBs]

None of these guys fit the mold of the high elf...or even human!...thrower. And that's fine. In Blood Bowl, ork throwers are plenty serviceable. No, they're not going to be setting any passing records (on this team...Moon did most of his damage before coming to the 'Hawks).  But that's not the orks' game. They are grinders that play solid defense.

Problem here is you're counting on a damn goblin to play linebacker.

I am sorry, Jamal Adams. I know I've called you trash before (and a "pigeon") later retracting the former accusation. But you're an idiot. Not only were you the obvious target in the Dallas game (giving up a touchdown and 2-point conversion on back-to-back plays against the dark elves), but then you take shots at a critical reporter's wife? Pretty f'ing classless, considering the impact you've had this year while healthy (spoiler: zero sacks, which is especially damning when you consider A) this is supposed to be his specialty and B) 12 different Seahawks have at least one sack this season, including guys who aren't even starters). What an a-hole.

SO...ork thrower (Gino). Fine. But, generally, not going to win you any games with his arm. Going to have some good offensive performances (vs. Detroit, Dallas) and some stinkers (Rams, Niners) depending on how the dice fall. That's to be expected. But when you're giving up a bunch of points on defense, it makes it tough for the orks to catch up...in Blood Bowl, ork teams are just not built that way.

I've talked about it before: the NFL has a LOT of similarities to BB, the way it's structured. Most NFL teams have a maximum of 7 or so STAR (i.e. standout) players on their roster; the others are position guys who are...fine. Nothing special. How the Stars perform (and how the coaches use the players they have) are going to go a long way towards determining the outcome of games. Seahawks current stars this year include:

Kenneth Walker III (blitzer)
Abe Lucas (black ork blocker)
DK Metcalf (blitzer)
Tyler Lockett (goblin)
Jackson Smith-Njigba (goblin)
Bobby Wagner (blitzer)
Devon Witherspoon (goblin)

And Walker's hurt. And Lucas has been injured for most of the season (he just came back, in the Cowboys game, and it showed on offense).

Charles Cross is a black ork blocker. Jordyn Brooks and Charbonnet are standard blitzers. The tight ends (and Jake Bobo) are simply lineorks. And Adams is nothing but a goblin who woofs at opposing teams every time he makes a tackle on some "big guy," even though he gave up 12-15 yards (and a first down). 


Sevenbastard suggested (in the comments of my last post) there might be some worry about the Seahawks winning another game this season. This is not my worry...I am CERTAIN the Seahawks will win another game. Heck, I'm 95% sure they'll win THREE more games, achieving a 9-8 record...a winning season in a year where every team plays 17 games. 

But I don't see them making the playoffs this year...not if they insist on continuing to play Adams on defense...and they have shown that they absolutely Will NOT Stop playing this guy, no matter how bad he sucks. They let Ryan Neal WALK even though he showed...again and again...that despite his cheap salary, he was a better asset on the field as a replacement when Adams was injured. It may just be that the Seahawks managed to get to the playoffs last year precisely because Jamal was out (he played only one game in the 2022 season) and Seattle was forced to make do with "lesser" talent. 

You play the pigeon, and opposing teams will target the pigeon. 

And 9-8 simply will not cut it this year when it comes to making the playoffs. And THAT is disappointing. Because there is a LOT of star power on the Seahawks team...real star power, real talent. And it would be nice to see them do some damage in the playoffs.

Ork teams cannot rely on goblins. That's just not good roster construction.

SO...just like the 90s, we're going to see a middling record, and a middling draft pick and a tough time clawing our way out of this hole. The Seahawks aren't exactly "risk averse" (when it comes to picking players), but they can be loyal to a fault, and doubling down on their mistakes (like Adams) is going to hurt them. It's already hurt them. Second chances are cool, but sometimes you have to admit you were wrong and cut bait.

*sigh* It's oh so silly. It's just entertainment. It's just live-action Blood Bowl.

By the way, I am fully aware that I am (probably) being overly harsh on a guy who's selling his body for my entertainment. Oh, well. I'm a fan...that's what fans do. He's paid millions of dollars (in a league that has a hard salary cap). I'm allowed to be critical. 

At least I continue to watch the Seahawks. At this point, I've all but decided to boycott the Mariners.


  1. I think we will win at least two more. Unless we have massive injuries we should be able to take the Cardinals and we can play well enough to probably beat one or two other teams. But I'm with you I think we get shutout of the playoffs. We have flashes of brilliance but struggle to put together a complete game.

    Adam's is a waste of payroll. Maybe he gets motivated by all the bad press and puts up massive numbers, but more likely he gets injured again.

    1. *sigh* I just don't have the time, energy, or inclination to pile onto #33 anymore than I already have.

      We really need to finish 11-6, not 10-7 (the Packers' remaining schedule is a bunch of crap). Starts with the dwarves (Niners) this weekend...a tall order, as dwarves are more smashy than orks and smashy is the orks' game. So...we'll see. I haven't given up on the season, but I'll be severely annoyed if we end up dropping five in a row (Eagles next week).

    2. The stretch of 49ers, Dallas, 49ers, Eagles was one that gave me dread when the schedule came out.

      Maybe we play better with Geno at full strength, but the next two games we need perfection and luck. We are third level charachters venturing into the 6th level of the dungeon.