Cauldron 2025

I have a feeling this is going to be a long one. But people don't come here for the Tl;DR version of things, do they?

; )

Cauldron III took place at Hofraithe Rosenthal this year...a switch in venue mainly made to accommodate more people. The con had 81 registered attendees, whereas prior years had been capped at 50...a more than 60% increase but it didn't feel particularly larger until you walked into a gaming room during the middle of a session (or if you were late getting to a meal and looking for a seat). Still, it felt more cozy than crowded...although some of my larger games got a little tight, space-wise.

And large my games were. Thinking about it just now (at the con, I never took the time to reflect on this) I'm fairly sure I've never DM'd for so many people (and so many DIFFERENT people) in my life. In fact I'm 100% sure of it.

We'll get to the games in a moment. The facilities were fine, though perhaps not as nice as the previous place (the bathroom for the room...which I shared with five other people...was a large step down, though it was fine, utility-wise), and there were some very large, very crowded queues when it came to signing up for some of the sessions. The "club rooms" which were used for gaming were, on the other hand, quite nice...not just serviceable, but atmospheric and comfortable.

So many stairs, though. So many. And I LIKE stairs (and I'm in good enough shape that it wasn't an issue, even carrying gear). But I imagine some folks had to huff and puff a bit...especially if they ended up in a 4th floor room (as I was). Still...a little exercise is good when you're spending so much of the day sitting on your ass and drinking beer.

Yes, again the beer was free, excellent, and plentiful (God bless Germany!) and even though I've been OFF beer since July or thereabouts, except for the mornings, I drank continuously throughout the con (as did many)...and as far as I could tell, we didn't make much of a dent in the stockpile of 22 ounce bottles. An upstairs kitchen, stationed strategically between the club rooms, seemed to have Bucknard's Everfull Beer Fridge...it was never empty. Great when you didn't want to go down a flight of stairs in the middle of a game.

As usual, the "unsung heroes"...the volunteers and family members of the Con organizers...were spectacular. Asked if there was any decaf coffee at breakfast Saturday morning (and getting a negative reply), I resigned myself to a cup of the regular stuff. However, it wasn't 10 minutes into my first gaming block of the day that a friendly con organizer showed up at my gaming table, unasked, with a French press of decaf specifically for me...they went out and found me decaf coffee! This little spectacle was repeated during Sunday morning's game block. Can you say "fantastic service and attention to detail?" Germany!

The surroundings, by the way, were quite beautiful. Fresh, crisp October air (no rain, just sunshine) made it a pleasure just to step outside and breathe and stretch. And the venue was picturesque in the way these small German towns tend to be (at least all the ones I've visited). Delightful.

Food...especially the crisped, roasted whole pig...was, as may be imagined, delicious, as were the sausages, the sauerkraut, the fresh veg (I must have ate a plate of bell peppers myself), the fresh daily bread. Water, both sparkling and still, was available at all times.

While I'm discussing food, I might as well get around to the drink...I mean, the REAL drink. Some engineer of clever bent had rigged up a small, portable fountain of wine that had a constant stream of wine or red liquor spurting from a goblin's nose...that was amazing. There were plenty of bottles of wine as well, for the non-beer drinkers. Many folks brought their own spirits (of course) and the hootch started to flow in earnest Saturday evening...just in time for the post-dinner live auction. Seated with the indomitable Magyar contingent, I was again fortified with many shots of their Hungarian palinka...however, this year I was able to return the favor with a bottle of cask-aged, 116 proof whisky from Orcas Island (bottle #62 of 78). An incredibly large bottle of Jameson Irish Whiskey also joined the table (I assume a contribution from Irish companion and former Cauldron roommate, Lynchpin), and we really had the chance to double-down on the boozing. I know MY bottle was killed before the sun came up...though the last shot wasn't poured till after 3 in the morning.

Good times.

Back to the gaming: Cauldron 2025 had a total of 54 pre-registered games over six scheduled game blocks. Other games were played that didn't make the registry, of course, but I was a little busy to track those. No less than 26 different Dungeon Masters ran games of AD&D, OD&D, B/X, and various retroclones, but the majority of games (38 of the 54) were 1E. 17 different DMs...including myself...ran the King of Games.

And...wow.

Last time I went to Cauldron, I waxed enthusiastically about the joy of playing AD&D with people who know and love the game, who have travelled from all over to a convention specifically for the chance to participate in the game. I talked about how wonderful the FOCUS was, and how engaging it was to play with people who were focused on actual play of the game. 

Well, two years later, they've gotten better. 

Whereas Cauldron One had many players who were new to the game or who had never played 1E (and wanted to learn) or people who came from other RPG backgrounds (WotC-stuff, the "OSR," 2E and trad gaming, etc.), these folks were dialed in. They knew how to play and they'd COME to play. I'd lay out my 2-3 house rules and away we'd go and questions or pauses to provide for explanations/answers were few and far between. Just gaming...glorious gaming for hours at a time. 

My Blackrazor Cup tournament adventure was, again, one of the high points for many con goers, and THIS year I got to see what that looks like. Eight different DMs ran the adventure...most everyone who wanted to had a chance to participate. Top prize went to the group that managed to pull 390K in gold from the dungeon, but there was a pretty broad range of play with much death and hilarity (one group saw every single one of the ten tournament pre-gens killed). My own table, which included the infamous Prince of Nothing (we'll get to him) caused me to laugh so hard, so many times (at their expense) that I nearly fell out of my chair. Just gluttons for punishment. They ended up with 88K (second from the bottom in rankings), but they had a good time and I can honestly say they did a LOT better than either of the prior two groups I'd play-tested the adventure with.

[it is my suspicion that some of the DMs are a little more lenient than I am when it comes to their running of the game...and that's fine, I'm totally okay with that. But I think that might account for some (not all!) of the discrepancies in results]

Prince's own "mini-tournament" adventure, Assault on the Becker-Drome, was likewise a big hit and much hilarity was had over the three sessions of that. I did not have the chance to take part (and I didn't find out who won the prize he was offering...maybe the Sunday group?)...but he has promised to provide me with a PDF copy for my own entertainment. Can't wait.

The only game I actually played in was con-orgnizer (and Best DM of Cauldron 2024) Settembrini's Chainmail recreation of The Battle of Emridy Meadows. Greyhawk aficionados may recognize this as the original final battle between the forces of Good and those of the Temple of Elemental Evil. I, of course, chose to play on the Temple side and was graced with an evil high priest and a couple units of ogres. Unfortunately, Chainmail took place in the Friday Night block (the day of our arrival) and by that time (9pm) I'd already been up for some 36 hours. I lasted till midnight or so before I became in danger of (literally) collapsing with exhaustion. However, I will take some credit with the Temple's eventual (and non-canonical) triumph, as it was my priest's summoned fire elemental that eventually killed Prince Thrommel and routed the forces of Good...even if I wasn't there to see it.

[ha! and Dreadlord had been trying to convince me to take "bless" as my one spell. No way, man! Go big or go home!]

But that game...which featured four players versus three with Settembrini acting as referee...was the only game session I failed to get through. By Saturday (with a little more than six hours of sleep and plenty of good food in my belly) I was able to go the distance with my games...including my "mystery," Saturday Night block which didn't finish till after 4:30am and had, in the end, only three players at the table (only two of which had still-living PCs).

I will write a follow-up post with "after action" reports of the various games I ran. Suffice is to say they all went well, and it was a joy to see so many familiar faces (like Mike and Michal and Sönke and Ollie and Prince and Tom and the Hungarians) all sitting around my table, rolling dice, cursing their failures, celebrating their successes, and having a hell of a good time. I ran five games and had full tables every session. Well...except for that Saturday Night Block (I ran an adventure that accommodates up to 16, but only NINE showed up to play...).

I am told that the sign-up sheets for my games usually filled up fast.

However, I was NOT to be awarded with the prestigious Best DM of the tournament this year (although I tied for second place in the voting along with Philipp). Instead that went to the to the ever-energetic, Con-Meister General, Grützi. The man is a beast...he ran five sessions this year (as he did last year, too!), the only person other than myself to spend so much time in the Captain's Chair. A much-deserved win as he scored in 11 of 16 qualifying categories, as judged by his players (Philipp and I only scored in 10) and I have no qualms about him taking home the trophy...especially since Grutz and his buddy Alex were the ones who picked me up from the airport and drove me the 90 minutes to the convention!

Alex and Grutz were also kind enough to drive me to the hotel in Frankfurt where I am currently writing this post, while I slept in the back seat. As I mentioned, Saturday's Night Block went long...but my night went longer still as several of us stayed up, kabitzing and drinking into the early morning hours. Truth be told, I was trying to outlast Prince (the rapscallion!), but eventually pulled the trigger on going to bed  around 5:50am. I was walking back to the building where my bedroom was (at the top of four flights of stairs) as Settembrini's wife was crossing the other way to start the kitchen duties for breakfast. While I could have gone longer, I felt I had a responsibility to be awake for the players at my final game session of the morning.

[Prince, gosh darn it, didn't sleep till 7:30am made the breakfast call an hour later, AND ran his last game. But he's 20 years younger than me...]

SO...incredibly exhausted, and more than a little hungover, once the post-convention high had worn off, I was ready for a nap in the car, drowsing off to the soothing sounds of excited, German banter and Alex's quietly playing death metal.

What a blast.

It is hard to overstate how awesome this convention is. I mean, Dillon (a Canadian who goes by the online handle "Terrible Sorcery") best expressed it with his repeated exclamation of the phrase "Hell yeah!" in response to...well, pretty much everything. He apologized for his excited enthusiasm, but I think he was simply expressing the same emotion that ALL of us were feeling (with slight variations). Everything about Cauldron is worthy of such exclamation: the setting, the victuals, the gaming, the camaraderie. 

So many people brought their CHILDREN to the thing, older teens (boys and girls) who are playing the Old School games of their parents. I have already told Diego I will take him to the next one I attend (when he's 16/17), and I can see I'm not the only person who finds the con worthy of generational sharing. 

In fact, it was Settembrini's older son (who, if I remember correctly, was unable to attend Cauldron I due to illness) who won the "MVP" trophy of the tournament. That trophy happened to come with a good bottle of German gin, which the boy doesn't drink, and Settembrini kindly passed it off to me as he'd heard I'm a gin enthusiast (I am). It's one of many souvenirs I have filling my bag, including the "official Cauldron boardgame," designed and hand-crafted by the Nexus gaming club (or, at least, Settembrini's family). I haven't opened it yet...like the gin, it is carefully packed in my luggage...but I look forward to reading it. Hopefully the instructions are in English.

[though, of course, I have Google translate]

[***EDIT: I have been informed by the illustrious and award-winning Settembrini that it was actually his YOUNGER son, Valez, who won the MVP award. My bad!***]

This, I'm quite sure, is a poor review post. It's early in the morning, I've been up for a while, and I'm still a little loopy. I'm just gushing about this and that and every little thing that pops into my head in something very different from a coherent order of tale telling. But that's because I'm not really trying to "sell you" on Cauldron...I'm just trying to convey something of my experience here. I've been to gaming cons before Cauldron; I've been around friendly, happy gamers all bubbling about what a grand time they're having, socializing with like-minded folks about their particular jam...it's what I imagine most "themed" cons (comic cons, Lego cons, Sci-Fi cons) are like, as people can feel free to let their hair down and "nerd out" with each other.

But Cauldron IS different. Probably because it is such a smaller, more intimate affair, or perhaps because of the ever-present Setti family members, you feel very much like a part of this organization's family. These are brothers and sisters, nieces and nephews, uncles and aunts. It's not just camaraderie and shared fandom (though that's there, too)...there's real and genuine love. Love for the games and love for each other and for each other's love of the game. It's not just about "acceptance" or being accepted: it is ACTIVE. People want to GIVE. They want to do for others, they want to share. Some people work out trades but there are many more gifts that are given. People volunteering to do chores: washing dishes, serving food, hauling beer (and crates of empties). One guy does all the grilling/roasting. People are giving each other books that they have extra copies of, people are given small tokens of appreciation, people want each other to have mementos and remembrances of their time here, together. Yes, it's fun, yes, it's a good time. But when I leave, it's not just walking out the door of a convention...I feel much the same as when I leave Montana after a stay with my relatives or after leaving my wife's family in Mexico after an extended visit. We linger. We hug (probably too many times). We talk about when we hope to see each other again.

That's very cool. Very cool indeed. One kid came up to me (today, as folks were packing to leave) and shyly asked me if I could teach him how to write adventures. "Of course!" I gave him an overview and told him to hit me up with a direct message so I could put it in writing for him. He seemed very grateful/appreciative...like I was doing him some huge favor to tell him "Moldvay's a good place to start."

Yeah, it's like family at Cauldron. I find myself asking how a person's doing with their new baby, or asking how's the married life treating a new groom. People ask me about my kids' soccer playoffs (because they read Ye Old Blog). People care. They were engaged with each other, both in and out of games. It was so refreshing to see and be around, because it's so unusual these days. So unusual. Especially with the crisp October air, it brought back memories to me of childhood Thanksgivings when my family would always return to Missoula, Montana...my mother's hometown...and spend many days with the extended family. Those were the best holidays of my life (probably why I love Thanksgiving) filled with food and drink and laughter and games. Very similar vibes.

Yeah, Cauldron may be becoming my new favorite holiday.

All right, that's enough for now. I'll be boarding a plane home to Seattle in a few hours and I'll have plenty of time to write more. But for now...rest and decompression.

Awake

2:20am. German time.

Cauldron is over. 

I just slept about 5 hours...a very long, very necessary nap (after my last couple days). As I lay on my hotel bed, typing this, I am sipping water and listening to the Mariners game on my phone ("Seattle Sports" app, for folks who are curious how to hear an M's game in Europe). Trying to relax and unwind the last few days, trying to compose my thoughts.

I am in an odd head space at the moment...not surprising given all the physical and mental stresses my body has been through lately. I have all sorts of "feels." Attending Cauldron for the second time was, for the most part, everything I could have imagined and hoped for. Leaving Cauldron, on the other hand, was bittersweet...not because I wasn't ready to go home, but because I wasn't ready to leave my friends.

No, not just friends. My tribe...my people.

I will talk about that in a later post (which I'll probably start directly after posting this...unless I decide to go back to sleep). But right now, I'm thinking about my other people: my family. My wife and my children. Waiting to get back to them is the hardest thing at this point; I want to be with them right now. Not because I am sad and need to be comforted or anything, but because I am ready for their warm embrace which I haven't felt in days...because I am ready to be back with them, in the "stuff" that are the ups and downs of our life; our highs and lows, the things we share as we live through the day-to-day.

Cauldron is much like that but on a "virtual" or imagined level. Save that thought for the moment, though...file it away.

My wife...I'm not worried about my wife. I know she's been as busy and taxed the last few days as anything...juggling the kids without my help...but she is an extremely tough and resourceful. Like me, she'll be just fine after a couple days of me being home and providing foot massages. The kids on the other hand...

Today was out playoff (soccer) game. It took place at 00:45am, Frankfurt time. It should have ended by 2am. I do not know the result...I am afraid to know the result. I did not want to open my phone because I didn't want to see the text alerts that might pop up...mercifully, there didn't seem to be any (yet). This could mean all sorts of things. Again, I'm trying not to think of it...I'm afraid to think about it. To imagine the possibilities.

Some people reading that might find that odd...that I have bigger fish to fry than the results of a 6th grader's soccer game. Especially a 6th grader who will STILL be playing soccer after this season ends (she is, after all, still playing for her club team and their season goes till March), and who will instead be turning her attention to the starting basketball season and the other activities she pursues. 

It's just a game, right? It's not curing cancer or anything.

No, it is everything. My time with my children is precious. Every minute they get older, I feel this more. Every shared moment, every shared victory (or defeat) or activity is special. Every hug and every snuggle from my children is golden. 

Coaching my children has been the delight of my life. That my son is now 14 and in high school and I will never coach a team of his again is an immense, melancholy feeling for me. Not just because we had such wonderful successes and such exciting, fun times, but because they were opportunities for us to do something together...do something that at the time was immensely important in the moment. And now, I have only one child left to coach...at most, five more seasons (assuming I coach her volleyball team) once this soccer season ends. And so, I don't want it to end...certainly not before I get home.

And I certainly don't want it to end in a loss and a defeat with me not there. With me, not on the sidelines. With me, not with the team. Diego is coaching the team without me (which has ALSO been a delight) and for him to have to go through a loss, on his own, have to do the coach's job of comforting a team just bounced from the playoffs, on his own, and knowing how he is, how hard he will take it, how hard THEY will take it...and not being there for them, not being there with them...

It's heartbreaking to contemplate.

I've been through it before, multiple times with Diego's teams (I've never coached a team that didn't reach the playoffs)...I know how it is, I know the drill, I know how to "spin" things so the players understand the positives and the pride they need to have and integrate the experience into their psyches as something both meaningful and positive, even if its both sad and hard. But this is Sofia's first time. And Diego's first time in a position of responsibility (being a coach...even an assistant coach...carries a lot more weight on the shoulders than just being a team captain). I wish I was there. I do...I really do. 

Mariners are down 4-0 in the game, which is not doing anything to lift my mood. I hate having to wait...patience is not and has never been my forte. I am stubborn as hell (my wife says I'm the stubbornest man she's ever known and, knowing her father, that's a hell of a statement)...but sticking things out because of stubbornness, is NOT the same thing as being able to wait patiently. But I have no other option. What I really want is a damn meal: there were few restaurants open for dinner in Frankfurt on a Sunday evening, and I didn't want Indian or Chinese food. I ended up grabbing a sandwich from a little place with the amusing name of "Hello, Jerry;" it was actually quite delicious, but I'd still have preferred a sit-down meal with some steamed vegetables. Just thinking about another 13 hour plane ride (and the airplane "food") is enough to make me shudder.

*sigh*

All right, that's enough for this post. It's 3:18am (6:18pm in Seattle...time for dinner!). Despite the brief thought of trying to keep my brain/body on "Seattle time," that would mean laying down to sleep no later than 9/10am...and checkout time is noon. Eh. This is the price you pay for the magical ability of crossing half the globe in a day. We live in amazing times.

[you see how I'm trying to change the subject in my own mind? I'm still not checking my phone]

Logan Gilbert gets out of the 4th inning, and the M's have five left to get back in this game. Still have about half a liter of water left...though despite the hydration, I am woefully dry. Maybe I'll take another shower...but, then, I'd have to take off my Cal Raleigh t-shirt. Decisions, decisions. 

This is how it is when you're alone and awake on the far side of the world from your home.

Uh, oh. My phone just rang with a notification from Diego (3:24am). 

Should I read it? Should I? Face my fear? Isn't that what being "brave" is? Not letting your fear stop you? That's what I'm always telling my kids after all. Am I a "brave" man? 

*sigh*

[drink of water]

Okay, I looked. The notification was an auto-notification: Diego asking permission to download the Major League Baseball app for his phone. Jesus H. So, no word on the soccer game results. I could check the league web site, but I want them to give me the news, one way or the other. Perhaps they think I'm still sleeping.

If only.

"Dear JB" Mailbag #43

The family's out of the house, and I have a couple-three hours before I need to head to the airport...I thought a little light-heartedness wouldn't be a terrible thing...

Hi JB!

My friends and I are all very new to D&D and we’re having a blast figuring everything out and playing the game. Last session the party got to lvl 3 and had to choose class features. We also found out that our paladin chose very poor stats for his character (he now has 13 str and 8 constitution). Most of the party did some research before choosing stats for their character but not him.

Since we are all very new to the game, as a DM, would you consider giving him an in-game opportunity to change his stats? Like finding a guy that does crazy experiments to people.. or selling his soul to the devil or whatever. Or would you just roll with it?

New Player Chose Very Poor Stats -- What Would You Do?

Dear Friend:

I know there's "no such thing as a dumb question," but this one is pretty close.

I'm going to assume that you play 5E because, if you played 1st edition like myself, you'd know that a character requires certain minimum ability scores to be a particular character class. That's why, for example, you'll never see a 1E paladin with a constitution of 8 (they require 9+) or a charisma score under 17. There are standards for the various professions, expectations that must be met in order for an individual to receive the necessary training in a class. OR...to look at it another way...there is a certain floor of base competence that a character is assumed to have after completing the training necessary to become a 1st level anything. 

[which, to be clear, is not part of the actual play process...when the 1st level character arrives on the scene, that's all part of the PC's unspoken "backstory"]

So when, for example, a player decides to create a paladin, they must meet all the minimum qualifications for the class; this includes: STR 12+, INT 9+, WIS 13+, CON 9+, and CHA 17+. I use Method I (described in the DMG) for determining abilities: roll 4d6 six times, dropping the lowest die roll, and assign scores in any order desired. In my youth, we would do this until we had a set of ability scores we liked; these days, I allow players to roll until they have a set of scores that includes no less than TWO "exceptional" (15+) scores, as per the advice on page 9 (first paragraph) of the PHB. You can see that it's STILL a tall order to get the abilities necessary for a paladin; we've seen a couple in our campaign, though not many.

However, you'll note that a STR 12, CON 9 paladin isn't anything to crow about...and, yet, it's a perfectly viable character. The difference between CON 8 and 9 is nothing more than 5% difference in resurrection/system shock survival; the difference between STR 13 and 12 is nothing more than a 10# difference in weight carried and a 3% difference in the ability to "bend bars" (7% versus 4%? Not much difference there!). BUT VIABLE, nevertheless, because when comparing characters in AD&D, effectiveness is mainly determined by LEVEL OF EXPERIENCE. And 1st level characters are first level characters.

Say your paladin had a strength of 16 instead of 12...yes, they'd have a +1 damage bonus, but their chance to hit would be exactly the same as any other paladin of the same level armed in comparable gear. If the paladin's strength were 17 up to 18/50 (which accounts for literally 50% of all fighter-types with exceptional strength), they'd have a whopping +1 bonus to attack rolls...meaning they'd hit 5% more of the time than the paladin with a strength of 12. That is NOT a huge difference...especially when you can't fall down the stairs of a starter dungeon without hitting a dozen +1 magic weapons along the way.

And let's say you throw that 16 or 17 stat into CON instead: sure, you get a 2-3 more hit points per level. Yay. That equates to taking one more d6 of damage per level of experience (maybe, more like d4). Monster damage tends to scale up pretty fast with level. And poison, petrification, paralysis, and magical curses don't care AT ALL what your total number of hit points are. Sure, it's nice to have a higher chance of surviving your raise dead roll..but your aim, really, is to NOT need to be raised. Equipment (especially magical armor and protective devices) are the much more important factor in a character's survivability. A paladin with a constitution of 9 is going to be more durable than MOST members of the party just on the basis of good armor + saving throw bonus + protection from evil aura...REGARDLESS of constitution.

So don't sweat the ability scores. Other than making the min quals to become a paladin, the player's number one concern w.r.t. abilities should be to try for that +10% x.p. bonus (only possible for paladins with a STR and WIS of 16+). Because THAT adds up, and paladins need a ton of experience to level and...as already stated...effectiveness is mainly determined by level of experience. Well, level and gear...but gear you can't control (magical gear anyway). Get that x.p. bonus if you're able!

Now, of course, this advice mainly applies to 1E groups and if, as I suspect, you're a 5E player, a lot of what I just wrote will mean little or nothing to you. For you (and other 5E players/DMs) I'll drop the following bit of truth:

5E is designed the way it is designed ON PURPOSE.

Embrace it. If the 5E PHB says "any race can be any class with any ability scores," then that's how the game is supposed to be played: as a wild-free-for-all without rhyme or reason. There aren't any "poor stats;" there are just non-optimal characters. And 5E is designed as game that can be played with all sorts of sub-optimal choices. It revels in players choosing whatever their heart desires! That's the appeal! You can play a crippled fighter or a stupid wizard or a half-orc bard or WHATEVER and it's just considered clever or innovative. Embrace the game you're playing!

SO NOW, in direct answer to your questions with question marks:

"As a DM, would you consider giving him an in-game opportunity to change his stats?"

No. So long as he's playing a 'legal' character, I'm fine with it. It's always possible that he might find a ring of wishes or something...this is is D&D after all...but I wouldn't go out of my way to help him change. Jeez...if the player finds he doesn't like the character he just needs to retire it and create a new PC! What's the big deal?

"Or would you just roll with it?"

Roll with it, baby. And if the character buys the farm because of poor scores, chalk it up as a learning experience from which the player can grow and develop...hopefully becoming a competent D&D player!

"What would you do?"

I'd run 1st edition AD&D, in which case non-optimal stats matter very little. However if you mean what would I do as a 5E DM where stats are O So Important to the plethora of die-rolling mechanics that dominate the game? Well, then, I'd let the player suffer the consequences of his ignorance, knowing that he'll come out the other side LESS ignorant and, thus, a better player.

Sincerely,

JB

The Day Before The Day Before

Tomorrow I'll be winging my way to Germany...again. 12 hours and 15 minutes from gate to gate, then a 90 minute drive from the airport to the venue. That's nearly 14 hours of travel to cross the more than 5,000 miles from my house, just to play some AD&D.

Having done this once already, I know it's worth the trouble.

So, before, embarking on a long, physically taxing journey across multiple time zones, to enjoy a long, mentally taxing weekend in which I run no less than five different adventure scenarios, I'm trying to relax and unwind a bit doing the non-stressful thing of living and dying on every pitch of Game 3 of the Seattle Mariners' American League Champion Series.

Yeah. Glutton for punishment.

But what are you going to do? It's the perfect conflation of circumstances. I mean, my daughter's soccer team (which I coach) has both their final game of the season on Saturday AND their first playoff game on Sunday. Yes, we made the playoffs despite a broken arm sidelining our best player the last three weeks, the conspicuous multiple absences of our club players, and our best goalie's family having a four week road trip scheduled during the second half of October (no, she won't be back for the playoffs)...did I mention her dad is my assistant coach? Well, it can't be helped. We're 5-1 and regardless of what happens Saturday, we'll be playing the next day, and I will still be in Europe. My other assistant coach...my son, Diego...will be taking the reins while I'm gone. If they get through Sunday, I'm be back in time for the semifinal. 

[Mariners are currently down 6-2 in the 4th inning. Crap]

I am a ball of stress. Packing has been a bitch. What to take, what to not. I'm checking a bag...something I haven't done in literal YEARS. Can't be helped...I'm traveling with booze. My backpack will have the bulk of what I need: laptop, hardbacks, and the adventures I'm running. Dice...need to remember to pack those. No, I'm not done packing. Until this afternoon, I was still putting the finishing touches on one of the adventures (specifically, I was hand-inking the map). Hey, some of the con attendees have been speed-painting whole armies for Chainmail the last week...I have nothing to complain about.

[hold my keyboard...I've got to go cook some meatballs]

[later]

Well, the Mariners got destroyed 13-4...on the bright side, the meatballs turned out great (as did dinner in general). ALSO...having the game basically over by the 3rd inning actually made the entire event pretty much "stress free" (unlike last Friday's 15-inning, winner-take-all playoff game). Sooo...mission accomplished. I'm relaxed.

[the wine helped]

I'm still not finished packing, but I don't have to grab an uber till 1pm tomorrow (or thereabouts). *sigh*  Procrastinating. I feel like I'm forgetting something...or I'm failing to do some sort of vital prep work for this trip. Or something.

I don't know. I guess I'm...nervous? Really? 

Yeah. Maybe. I haven't been sleeping well of late (meaning the insomnia's been worse than usual). I just want to get through this...no, scratch that...I just want to enjoy this con, get back to Seattle, and finish the soccer season.  I just want to do THAT.

And then I can move on to the next thing on my list.

Because it's been a grind lately. I haven't been writing my book...THE book...of late. Because I had so much on my plate, prepping for the convention. Prep work that's been delayed because of legal woes and the busy-ness of a kid in high school and another kid in middle school and All The Things. Glorious things, every one of them (well, except for the court stuff). But things that will mercifully settle down after NEXT Saturday. 

I'm not even worried about Halloween shenanigans this year. The wife and daughter got the house decorated without me and we're taking it casual with costumes.

One more night...it's night time as I finish this missive...one more night and then one more morning and then an Uber ride to SeaTac and then a long flight, and then beer and pork and gaming with odd-shaped dice. The fantasy; the dream. Would that I could do it every six months instead of every two years. But it would probably kill me. Probably. Hard to say.

*sigh*

I'm starting to sound maudlin (the readers hate that). I had ONE glass of red wine. Okay, maybe two (call it 1.5). But I'm out of the habit. I haven't been drinking wine lately...really haven't had much at all since the first week of...what? July? Yeah. Back in Orcas. I've been cutting back. Waaay back. Had a beer a couple days ago...that was my first in a week or two. Yeah, I've cut way back. Been too busy. Still too busy. But I was cooking this evening and trying to relax at the same time. Happens.

*sigh* I'm procrastinating. Putting off what I should be doing until the last possible minute so that I can go into a fight or flight frenzy of activity and get stuff done. It's done. I just feel like it's not. I feel like I'm missing something. I feel...unsettled. Like this isn't real. I'm not really going to Germany tomorrow, am I? Really? That's someone else's life. I'm supposed to be making lunches and driving kids to piano practice (well, piano practice is actually Tuesday...after the guitar lesson. And I will be making lunches tomorrow, in the morning). Yeah. It's me. Both those things are me.

You live long enough your life becomes a kaleidoscope of disparate activities, blending together. Your identity isn't defined by labels like "profession" or "vocation" or "culture" or "nationality." Instead, it's defined by your deeds...by your actions. By what you do. I do a LOT of different things.

But right now, I'm defining myself by my inactions. Time to get off my ass and finish organize my gear for tomorrow. Plus, I've got to make sure the kid's got his light turned out. My passport is good for another three years; that's one less thing to worry about. Now I just need to decide which of my DMGs I'm going to take with me. Probably NOT the first printing...maybe my copy with the Easley cover. I don't know. I have four or five to choose from. 

All right. That's enough. I've got a long day ahead of me tomorrow, and I have stuff to do before I sleep.

"Dear JB" Mailbag #42

Dear JB:

I have been DMing for a few months now in my current campaign I've tried to play at all period for years now as a player or DM and every time the party has fallen apart and I'm not sure I even want to play ever again after so many failed attempts as of right now my players ignore me between sessions, are consistently late, they are critical of basically all the npcs, I have literally NOTHING for their characters and they complain about favoritism towards the only player even trying because they actually give me what I need and doesnt hate the npcs I make them because they arent exactly what I wanted. Is this normal? I dont think it is and if it is I really just dont want to play anymore 

I've tried to start storylines relating to the backstories of all the players and I've been so worried I've been doing something wrong but I have text rp channels set up that they asked for that they dont use and only the one player tries to use (which even that player has entirely stopped using because the others dont respond when he pings them) I've tried asking for what they're wanting to do, what would intrest them for the campaign in case I can add anything to make it a little more enjoyable for them, and I have gotten nothing aside from them complaining they dislike my npcs, they complain about the other player because hes friends with one of the npcs they tried to kill, and say that the characters they have have no reason to be interested in the main quest line of trying to stop the gods from basically destroying everything and when I ask how I can fix that or for more backstory or what I can do to better make npcs for them or even simply is there a particular npc they want I have gotten nothing. 

They both seemed super intrested at first when I first talked to them on roll20 I'm aware and I've been worried it's my fault somehow in me being shit in another way so I've been sort of trying to do most of what they all want I know I'm not a great dm I have a hard tine actually doing voices for the characters since I'm afraid they're going to pick on the voices I do and I'm embarrassed I'm not better at it and I'm not nearly as entertaining as a lot of other dungeon masters I've seen playing

I avoid watching the professionals I mean my friends and shit I basically begged my friend to teach me how to play in highschool they let me sit in on a session but didn't teach me and this is the first time ive done a whole campaign my fiance basically shit a brick when I told him I didnt know who matt mercer is

I Don't Know What I'm Doing Anymore

Dear DM:

I don't think you've EVER known what you're doing.

You have a fiancee, so I assume you're an adult. You have played for years, starting in high school (hard to tell you went to school at all with this horrendous writing), but every time you've tried to run a campaign it's "fallen apart." You state your players have complained about your storylines and your NPCs and that you're embarrassed you're not "entertaining" enough, like the DMs you've (presumably) watched on-line; you state you have a hard time "doing voices."

I'll cut to the chase: your problem (at least with regard to your DMing) is that you don't know how to play Dungeons & Dragons. It's not that you are a "shit DM." I mean, sure, it sounds like you're a long way from DMing in a competent fashion, but you don't even know what the actual game you're playing IS. 

You writing this is like me saying: "I'm a shit rocket scientist." Well, duh...of course I'm a shit rocket scientist, I never went to rocket science school and no one ever taught me how to be a rocket scientist or even the basic principals of rocket science. All I know is that it has something to do with rockets.

D&D, thankfully is NOT rocket science. But it's definitely not what you see on YouTube. The fact that you (at one time) were interested in playing D&D withOUT knowing who Matt Mercer is...well, that's a good thing. That you've since discovered his show, and think that's what D&D is supposed to be is a pity and a damn shame, because now you're just one more idiot operating under under ignorance and falsehood and obtaining bad results because of it.

Evidence: your games keep falling apart.

Now, there are people (5E people) who will tell you, no, you're doing it right, you're shit NOW, but will get better with practice. OR they will tell you that the issue is YOUR PLAYERS and that you need to find BETTER players, players who are aligned with your "style" and who are enthused by your storylines and NPCs, etc.  This is just BAD LUCK or lack of "proper recruiting" or "not setting expectations in Session Zero" or some other such nonsense.

It's nonsense.

You don't know what the hell you're doing because you don't know what the hell D&D is.

It is not a vehicle for storytelling. It is not an improvised TV show that you and your friends put on for each other. If that's your jam, you can do that withOUT the need for dice or rulebooks.

What D&D IS, is a GAME that allows players to experience the thrill of being an adventurer in a fantasy world. That's what it is. That's all it is. That's more than any other game ever made (at least, more than any other game I've ever come across...). 

As a Dungeon Master, you are the caretaker, referee, and facilitator of the game for your players. That's your job as the DM. That is the entirety of your job...and the limits of your responsibility.

You are not responsible for whether or not your players are having "fun." You ARE responsible for presenting the players with a proper game of D&D. And if they enjoy playing D&D (i.e. they want to choose to spend time playing it) and you are presenting them with proper D&D, then they will achieve satisfaction. Which is all that they, the players, should expect to achieve.

YOU, as the DM, derive satisfaction in a different fashion: namely, through the joy of creation and sharing your creations.

This is NOT about you "entertaining" anyone. Get that out of your head. Yes, yes...good DMs DO (often) entertain their players, but that is a BYPRODUCT of running, not the objective. Dungeon Mastering is a performative act, but it is not about being a performer. It's not. It's not about interesting characters, it's not about storylines, it's not about pacing or plot, it's certainly not about drama or "doing voices."

Learn the rules of the game. Run the game. 

Let me ask you this: you say begged your friend in high school to teach you how to play D&D and they let you "sit in on a session" but didn't actually teach you. Have you read the instruction manuals for the game? Have you read the PHB and DMG? Have you read any of the "starter" or "basic" or introductory rule systems?  Or do you just watch "professionals" like Matt Mercer on the internet?

In your first paragraph you wrote:

Is this normal? I dont think it is and if it is I really just dont want to play anymore

No, it's not "normal"...at least, it's not normal if you're a competent Dungeon Master. If you're a competent Dungeon Master running solid D&D, then your players are too busy engaging with the game world and trying to survive to worry about (or care about) the personalities of the NPCs. Because the D&D game is NOT about the NPCs. At all. It is about the players and their actions and reactions within the campagin world that YOU (as the DM) are creating and presenting to them. 

[and, let's be honest: most NPCs are there to die anyway]

So, SINCE it's "not normal," I'll assume that means you still want to play D&D. In which case I'd strongly sugggest: LEARN HOW TO PLAY. Don't watch videos...READ THE INSTRUCTIONS. If you're overwhelmed by the sheer page count of the current Core books (much of which is garbage padding anyway), start with a slimmer volume of higher quality...the Moldvay Basic set, for example (64 pages!). Read that, and run a few games using that system. While doing that, start creating your world...NOT your "storyline" just your world. Don't worry about plots involving "the gods destroying everything" (Jesus H, kid, what the hell...?), just worry about giving adventurers THINGS TO DO. Dungeons to plumb. Monsters to hunt. Treasure to find. You know: things that line up with the basic premise of the game. And while you're getting your feet under you, start reading Gygax's AD&D books, the 1E PHB and DMG. And when you're ready, transition your campaign world to an Advanced game.

Don't worry...you'll be all right.

Sincerely, 

JB

Anti-Influence

Thou shalt not make a machine in the likeness of a human mind.

I deleted my "X" account yesterday. I still have the FB account but I only look at every few months and haven't posted to it in years. I have a few discords I'm subscribed to, but except for the Cauldron one, I'm only checking those to see if people are direct messaging me. I'm kind of off televised news, though I keep tabs on major things going on in the world via NYT and the BBC. 

And my wife, of course...she's required to follow all the news as part of her job.

I have an...hmm..."odd" relationship with the ChatGPT AI (or "Oz," as I like to call it). I bounce ideas off it and dredge it for collecting and collating data that I can use for my own purposes. There are some things it does well, and some things that it doesn't. It ain't good at formulating creative ideas from whole cloth...for example, it is shit at adventure design. But with the right inputs and management, it can help critique, point out flaws, or suggest strategies for things I'm working on. It can also draw from a fairly wide swath of information floating around the internet and collate/collect that in one place for my own use. It's "word association" abilities are extremely powerful: for instance, it is VERY good at doing natal astrological interpretations (something I studied/practiced extensively in the past), even including things like Jeff Green's Pluto work, astrocartography, and hooking it up with various alternative forms of self-analysis (Mesoamerican astrology, Chaldean numerology, etc.). That biz is...so far as I can discern...already rendered obsolete by our digital oracle.

Of course, it can also do blog posts with the proper prompts...here's a version of my Q1 post from the other day, entirely generated by Oz to my specifications (including my own, slightly combative, style):

The Demonweb Ain’t Broke: In Defense of Q1 

Let’s get this out of the way up front: Q1: Queen of the Demonweb Pits is not a broken module. It is not a clumsy capstone. It is not some Blume‐butchered disappointment. It is, in fact, one of the most conceptually ambitious, mechanically coherent, and spiritually true high-level AD&D modules ever published by TSR.

The real problem? People don’t read it right. They come expecting a coronation and get tossed into a meat grinder. They want a cinematic climax; they get eaten by spiders. Good. That’s the point.

“It’s Just a Bunch of Random Monsters!” You mean, like every other classic dungeon module? The Demonweb isn’t a carefully curated monster museum. It’s a divine hunting ground. The ogres and gnolls? They’re not “out of place”—they’re minions of other demonic powers. Yeenoghu and Vaprak don’t send hand-written invitations to Lolth’s palace—they send troops. Gifts. Tribute. Some may even be spies, working their own angles. Does Lolth care if they live or die? Not in the slightest. She uses them like everything else in her domain: bait, misdirection, or cannon fodder. Players think they’ve walked into an ogre cave, and then two rooms later they’re fighting type VI demons. Welcome to the Abyss.

“It Doesn’t Match the Drow Stuff from D3!” Because it’s not part of it. Or at least, it doesn’t have to be. D3 ends just fine on its own. The whole Elder Elemental God thread? That’s Eilservs’ nonsense, not Lolth’s. You already solved the surface world problem by killing a bunch of giants and wrecking Eclavdra’s political coup. Q1 isn’t a narrative continuation—it’s punishment for pushing too far. You wanted to rob a goddess? You get dragged into her realm. No XP for surviving the fall, either. If anything, Q1 elevates the material. It doesn’t clean up loose ends. It hands you a loaded gun and dares you to shoot a god with it.

“The Layout is Dumb and the Web is Confusing!” Have you met Lolth? She’s not Asmodeus. She’s not running an orderly Nine Hells power structure. She’s a sadistic chaos demon who lures prey into her lair and toys with them. Of course her palace is a looping planar web of death. Of course it doesn’t make tactical sense. She doesn’t need defensible corridors—she can teleport at will and summon infinite demons. The layout isn’t a mistake; it’s a personality profile in map form. If your players can’t navigate it? Good. Let them get lost. That’s what happens in spiderwebs.

“The Magic Item and Spell Restrictions Are Arbitrary!” You’re in the Abyss. It’s not supposed to feel fair. The rules change because the cosmic substrate changes. That’s what makes it a plane and not just “another dungeon.” This is exactly how you make high-level adventurers sweat: strip away their crutches, tilt the field, and watch them scramble. Spells don’t work right? That’s not a bug—it’s a feature. The players aren't in Kansas anymore. They’re in Lolth’s mind-palace. If she wants your staff of power to flicker and short out, she doesn’t need a reason.

“The Final Battle is a Letdown!” Only if you’re bad at running gods. Lolth isn’t some CR-appropriate set-piece encounter. She’s a divine being. If your party expects to kill her in 12 rounds of initiative trading, they deserve what they get. The goal isn’t to win a fair fight—it’s to survive a divine tantrum in her own reality. You want closure? Fine. Let her escape, vow revenge, and ruin your party’s next three campaigns. Or kill her and deal with the planar fallout. Either way, it's more interesting than yet another evil high priest with a snake staff.

What Q1 Actually Is 

 It’s not a dungeon. It’s not a set-piece. It’s not a capstone. It’s a theological statement rendered in graph paper. It’s divine judgment in the shape of an adventure. It’s what happens when players mistake “level 14” for “invincible” and get handed their own entrails for breakfast. Q1 is one of the few modules that understands what high-level D&D is supposed to feel like: desperate, disorienting, and dangerous. Not balanced. Not fair. Not neat. Just deadly, weird, and unforgettable. 

The Demonweb Pits don’t need fixing. They need understanding. And if your players hate it, well...maybe they shouldn't have tried to rob a demon goddess.

Not bad, but still not really me. And not just because of the lack of typos and grammatical errors...the flow is somewhat different from the way I write (which is, admittedly, rather haphazard, so maybe that's a good thing...?). Being abrasive alone isn't enough to make something a "JB original." 

Not yet.

The thing is, the AIs available to us will only become smarter and more self-directive as time goes on...that is crystal clear, and I've come to accept that. Right now, AIs are on the verge of rendering many (most?) jobs that require "intellect" (i.e. non-muscle power) completely superfluous. And in a year or two, with the constant doubling of the things' computing power and expanding knowledge base, it could well render ALL intellectual pursuits (yeah, even adventure design) "superfluous."  And I'm...okay with that. Which is to say, I've come to accept that my brain, once considered somewhat special (at least by me), will be utterly dwarfed and pwned by a person with the right AI tool and one or two clever prompts. At some point, it will even reach a place where it won't need a human "overseer" to check its work...AI will have grow adept enough that it will be able to do that itself better than a human...ANY human...even one with decades of experience in a particular field.

That will be an interesting time to be alive.

And understanding this, I think I've decided that, for myself, I will continue to focus my life on the one thing I can control that AI cannot (although it can give me advice if I like), namely: how I live my own life. How I interact with my fellow humans, and what I do...in my daily life...that is in aid of the relationships and interactions I have with my fellow humans. AI can't get my kids out of bed, feed them breakfast, give them hugs with supportive words, and drive them to school. AI can't coach kids on the soccer field, firing them up with the right words, and instructing them in the tactics they need in the moment (our team is 4-1, by the way, with two games to go before playoffs). AI can't join its voice with others in hymns at Mass on Sunday, helping to create a shared, spiritual community. AI cannot make eye contact with people, shake hands, high five, or laugh out loud at a friend's joke.

And AI can't run a table as a Dungeon Master.  

As AI becomes more and more able to take over ANY and ALL work that is done over a computer (which includes everything from creating music to creating artwork to creating films with AI actors), I suspect that what will become increasingly valued within our society will be performative-based.  I don't see professional sports (as one example) going away any time soon, because even if you could make a robot that plays football (or any sport), it is not the operation of a machine that entices or inspires peoples. We have many fantastic machines in this world: airplanes and skyscraper-tall cranes and power plants. Remarkable marvels worth a glance, worth noticing, worth studying or writing an essay about. But that's not the same as following a human performer through their trials and tribulations and human drama and marveling at the skills they display in executing their craft.

As humans, we tend to be self-centered...and other humans are far more interesting to us than the machines that populate our world. 

So going to see someone perform music live, or going to live theater, or attending a sporting event...or any event where real, live humans are "doing" stuff...is going to remain a "thing" for a while to come. Having a friendly, smiling human acting as your cashier or serving you food or directing you at an airport is going to continue to be a part of having a functional society. Even if the majority of our books are written by AI and the majority of our purchases are delivered to our homes by autonomous Amazon vans.

That's fine. I'm okay with that. I have an identity that is based on how I live my life and how I feel about the life I live.

That wasn't always the case. The title of this post is "Anti-Influence" because there was a part of me that, once upon a time, wanted to be an influencer of some type (not that I would have used that term)...for the sake of my ego, I wanted to matter to other people. I wanted my thoughts, my words, my actions to have weight and help bring people around to my point of view. Over the decade-and-a-half that I've been writing this blog, publishing books, and participating in the on-line community, I probably have had some influence...in fact, I know I have, based on what people have told me.

But I'm done with that. I am. Call it a "newfound humility." I don't want to influence anyone anymore. THAT is not my raison d'etre...that is not the reason I was put on this earth. 

Which doesn't mean I'm going to stop doing what I'm doing (blogging, writing, communicating). It just means that, deep down, I'm not going to have any ulterior motive. I will continue to share my little pieces of this or that, and will continue to say things like "5E is bad, 1E is good," etc. (along with reasons why) but whether or not any of it has any IMPACT, or whether or not I have any "relevance"...something I used to stress about...no longer makes a difference to me. That is just chasing something...and not something worth catching at this point in time. Not even possible with the new changes to our world and the speed with which those changes are being implemented.

You, my dear sweet readers, will not see any more AI-generated content from me...I can promise you that (even if we reach a point where AI-generated content is truly indistinguishable from my weirdness). Books I publish, blog essays I post...they're all going to be self-generated. Not because I think they're better than what ol' Oz can do, but because GENERATING THAT KIND OF CONTENT IS WHAT *I* DO. "Writing stuff," well, that's my "work" (such as it is), and allowing AI to do it for me would render that work meaningless...or, at least, valueless to ME. 

I'm not doing this stuff to make money or influence people. Like coaching or DMing, I do it because I love doing it. ALL the things I do out of love seem to be things that have no financial incentive for doing them. And I'm okay with that, too (or, rather, I've come to be okay with that). Just being able to do them at all is a privilege that I cherish. Truly.

Have a wonderful week, folks.

: )

Queen Of The Demonweb Pits

I've spent...mm..."many" hours, days over the last week or two examining the old TSR module Q1: Queen of the Demonweb Pits. It's been a bit of an...obsession.

Or a distraction...that's probably the better word. Things have been busy...real busy...'round these parts. I'm keeping my head above water with stuff, but SOME things I should be working on (like getting my crap together for Cauldron) has just been...

*sigh* Shunted aside, I guess. 

The PROBLEM is (and this is my problem, and I realize that) I've got a couple days a week to myself, days that I should be putting together my pre-gens, putting the finishing touches on adventures, figuring out what the hell I'm going to pack, etc., etc. And I keep having to do goshdarn legal BS. Driving to and from Kent. Driving to and from downtown. Spending HOURS, literal hours out of my day in commuting and standing in lines to talk to court clerks and bond companies and legal clinics and whatnot. Just exhausting. And frustrating. And if I'm NOT doing that on my "day off" (as I was today...five hours I spent dealing with this crap, FIVE) then I'm catching up on all the other stuff I should have been doing other days of the week. Just dealing with gross incompetence on the part of other people. Just...a pain in the ass.

SO...I don't get the time I need to do the stuff I want to do. And I'm mentally fatigued and easily distracted. "Highly suggestible"...that's the state my mind is in these days. 

Enter everyone's favorite TSR punching bag, Q1.

I've mentioned the Queen a time or two on this blog, but I've never really delved into it. As a kid, I didn't own it, though my friend Matt did and he loaned it to me for an extended period. Personally, I found it fantastic, probably the most interesting and imaginative adventure (in my opinion) of the TSR era. These days, I own my own copy, and I have my own criticism of it...but I still think it's a pretty good adventure. Certainly it needs less "sprucing up" than the various DL modules. Q1 is a module that I could run...somewhat disappointingly...as is, without much trouble. The main "problem" with it is that it isn't as cool as it could be...a failure of underachievement. But it's not a big pile of crap.

However, it IS odd. Not in that it ignores the Elder Elemental God "plot" as some (notably Greyhawk Gronard) have complained. That is a big red herring as far as I'm concerned, regardless of what Gygax wrote in an ENWorld comment in his later years. No, the odd thing is that Q1 was planned as any type of "capstone" module to the G-D series AT ALL. Reading the text of D3, it seems fairly clear that Q1 occupies the same adventure space as a "side quest" or "bonus level"...except that, in this particular case, it's more of a penalty box than a bonus.

Reading the old, monochrome version of D3: Vault of the Drow (published a couple years before Q1), you see that the main way players can end up in the titular Demonwebs is by poking their noses where they really don't belong (i.e. the lowest levels of the Drow cathedral) and humiliating the avatar of the dark elves' goddess:

If Lolth flees, or is slain in her current form, a silvery (platinum) egg will be revealed. A remove curse will enable it to be opened, and whomever does so is geased to enter the astral gate on Level #1 (14) and confront Lolth if he or she is able or die trying. In the egg are an iron pyramid, a silver sphere, a bronze star of eight points, and a cube of pale blue crystal. (These items have value and use only if the party continues the adventure in the next Module (Q1, QUEEN OF THE DEMONWEB PITS).)

Note that in the description of the astral gate (area 14 of Level 1) it's made clear that this is not a particularly "good" thing:

If any individual is bold enough to walk through the projection of Lolth at 11) and then touch the "mural" he or she will be instantly drawn into the tunnel vortex and brought to the plane of the Abyss where Lolth actually dwells. (If you plan to continue the campaign, this will be handled in MODULE Q1, QUEEN OF THE DEMONWEB PITS; OTHERWISE, SUCH INDIVIDUAL CAN BE CONSIDERED AS SLAIN.)

So, instant kill for anyone who beats Lolth, gets her "prize" (the platinum egg), and figures out how to open it...unless your DM has a copy of Q1 to run. But even then: this is not a reward for beating up Lolth; there's no gold piece value assigned to this treasure. If anything, it is a cursed artifact designed to bring the goddess's tormentors to her own plane, presumably to be destroyed in some fiendish, vengeful manner. 

Probably devoured, ultimately. She is a spider, after all. 

This trip to the Abyss is a punishment for the players' hubris and greed. Why else would they possibly be invading the Great Fane of Lolth? Leave out all criticism of Sutherland and the Blumes and how "Gary's Grand Idea" was suppressed. Just look at D3 and what it contains. Look at the context, in terms of the on-going adventure scenarios: PCs are tasked with stopping the giant threat. Over time, they learn that those responsible for the giants are the Drow. They follow the Drow down into the depths of the earth and track them to their capital where they find that this is simply one rogue band of HERETICS looking to extend their power and influence in the Drow world by conquering lands in the surface world. This has NOTHING to do with the Elder Elemental God...this is just about the political ambitions of the Eilservs clan (Eclavdra and her brood):

The Eilservs have long seen a need for an absolute monarch to rule the Vault, and as the noble house of first precedence, they have reasoned that their mistress should be Queen of All Drow. When this was proposed, the priestesses of Lolth supported the other noble families aligned against the Eilservs, fearing that such a change would abolish their position as the final authority over all disputes and actions of the Dark Elves. Thereafter, the Eilservs and their followers turned away from the demoness and proclaimed their deity to be an Elder Elemental God (see MODULE G1-2-3). Although there is no open warfare, there is much hatred, and both factions seek to destroy each other. An attempt to move worship of their deity into the upper world, establish a puppet kingdom there, and grow so powerful from this success that their demands for absolute rulership no longer be thwarted, was ruined of late, and the family is now retrenching.

There it is, in black-and-white: the whole "Drow plan." Not the machinations of Lolth or the Elder Elemental God...just Eclavdra's bid for power over the people of Erelhei-Cinlu. Eclavdra's clan has turned to worship of the EEG out of sheer spite for the clergy of the fane siding with the other noble houses against Eilservs and its quest for power.  So if the party is actually "following the story" or trying to solve the "mystery" that led to the "Giant War" their trail ends with Eilservs clan (complete with yet another G3-style temple dedicated to the mysterious tentacled eye god).  Why O why wouldn't the players just want to finish up what they'd started and then retreat back to the surface, loot in hand?

Greed, of course.

At the end of the day, we ARE still playing AD&D here, and the players are insatiable treasure hunters. And where are the biggest stashes of treasure to be found in the Vault? Why, in the Drow's grand cathedral, duh. And so...once they're finished knocking over the Eilservs estate, they might as well go loot the temple, right? It's what they (adventurers) do. 

Of course, it's always possible they were pointed that direction earlier. Not only by the Eilservs clan (looking to make common cause or buy their way out of a beat-down) but by the town malcontents...the young males that roam the streets like packs of wolves. See the RAKE encounter on the Erelhei-Cinlu wandering monster table:

...roaming the streets of Erelhei-Cinlu are bands of bitter youths, often outcasts...the bands with elven-Drow members will be hostile to all they perceive as part of the system which prevails in their world, and the Dark Elves with them are of the few who are neither totally degenerate nor wholly evil -- they are haters of the society around them and see no good in it....

If the party manages a friendly meeting with a group of Drow/Drow-elves/half-Drow rakes the youths will tell them about the worship of the Demoness Lolth and the way to her "Egg." The rakes will accompany the party to the area in question if a plan which seems reasonable to them is put forth. They will also leave the Vault-Egg areas in the course of adventuring.

These RAKE encounters show up one time in 20 on the "main thoroughfares" of he city but FOUR times in 20 (20%!) when traversing the "back streets and alleyways," making this the most common encounters in the city. The longer the party spends wandering the Drow capitol, the more likely they are to run into these disaffected toughs who will steer them towards the Fane. Clearly, this was Gygax's intent based on his design.

And the players' greed will be rewarded: the monetary value alone adds up to nearly half a million gold pieces worth, even without counting all the platinum and gemstones that each member of the clergy carries on their person. Add in magical items and the 50 room dungeon can net a pretty rich haul for a half dozen high level adventurers...probably enough to gain an entire level, with combat experience added in (no mean feat for a 14th level character!). Gygax WANTS the players to sack the Fane...and likewise wants the players to confront and (presumably) to BEST Lolth in battle. It's the main ticket to the next module in the series which would otherwise...not attract players' notice?

As with everything, it's all about the Benjamins, NOT the "grand evil scheme" of a goddess (or an Evil Elemental Cthulhu-like 'thing'). The only "scheme" Lolth possesses is her plan to bring the thieving PCs over to where she resides so that she can whup up on 'em (snot-nosed brats). But the adventures in the Demonweb Pits should be considered in the light of pulp S&S fantasy...this is the stuff of Leiber. 

"Hey, Fafhrd...what say we knock over the temple while we're down here anyway?" 

"Sounds good to me Mouser!" 

[later, wandering lost in the Demonweb] "How the hell did we end up here?"

Hilarity ensues. 

This IS "old school" D&D in its purest form: players getting up to hijinx (and into trouble) because it's a darn game, not an epic story of fantasy adventure. Just because you're on module number seven of a seven part series doesn't mean you're completing some grand story arc a la The Lord of the Rings...it just means Gygax and Co. has gifted you with an incredibly extensive scenario for occupying months (or more!) of campaign time. Just as you can spend EXTRA time exploring the side caverns of the UnderDark trek, the enterprising DM can create WORLDS of adventure from the 4th level "portals" of module Q1. This is the potential of I1's Forbidden City on a much larger scale.  Which is great. And which explains (in part) why there's no Q2 or Q3...there's no need. This is not another singular adventure site (like the Hill Giants' Steading) but an open-ended situation for exploration and (probable) exploitation.

So then, what's with the polyhedrals in the platinum egg?

Ah, the sticking point in my ruminations. If Lolth just wants to summon her opponents to her Abyssal lair with the intention of devouring them, why make them jump through extra hoops to end up in her gullet? If the ultimate result will be their deaths, why the grand charade, the multi-level challenge/test? Why not just drop them wholesale into the whatever that serves as her "nest" at the heart of the Demonweb?

Well, it IS a D&D game (duh) so, of course, we can't just make it a one-way ticket to death. And, sure, you can say that Chaotic Evil divinities have minds that function beyond the ken of mere mortals like ourselves (and are insane to boot). But I think there's a fairly easy, in-world/setting answer here. 

Not everyone is worthy of being being food for the goddess.

As a demon queen, an Abyssal goddess, and a giant spider, I keep coming back to the theme of HUNGER. The Abyss is pure chaos and destruction (evil)...the source of all entropy, eroding and disintegrating everything over time. Demons, as beings, are intelligent manifestations of that entropy...to us humans, they appear as ever-hungry, eternal devourers. Eat, eat, eat...bodies and souls, they consume all. This is one of the reasons I like Huso's "demon rules" (from Dream House of the Nether Prince): in addition to his mixing of of AD&D with Christian theology and myth (something I also dig on), he "gets" the hunger inherent in such beings and has cheerfully codified a whole, fat-based economy for the creatures (nice). And SPIDERS...man, they eat, with some consuming 10% of their body weight daily. If I ate 16 pounds of food per day...um...that would be a LOT. It's brings to mind reminisces of Tolkien's Shelob and her un-satiable hunger. 

But, as said, Lolth is a goddess. And while an eternally hungry demon spider by nature, she still has the pride of a queen. And not everything is a fit meal for a queen's consumption...not even the interlopers who murdered her clergy and ransacked her temple before smiting her (material) form. Besides, she has time...plenty of time (if the players succeeded in destroying her material form she is confined to the Abyss for a century, after all). Time enough to "play with" her food...for her own amusement.

Thus the polyhedrals...thus the testing. Make the players jump through her hoops, waste their resources, feel the grinding power of fear and entropic forces as they struggle through her demonweb. Struggle provides seasoning to the meal. And they humiliated her (on their own plane of existence), and now that the shoe's on the other foot, payback is a bitch, baby. To me, it makes perfect sense. Plus, what does she care if the gnolls (envoys from Yeenoghu) or trolls (Vaprak) get destroyed in the process...even her driders (failures of their own "tests")? The demonweb is a demi-plane construct that is but a small part of her Abyssal realm...who knows how many "demonwebs" she has spun over the millennia? How many webs do the spiders around your home spin? 

[September and October in Seattle is "spider season;" I knock down webs all the time...though I usually leave the spiders alive (they eat the flies). And they put them right back up again within hours]

The whole of Q1...at least the first three levels...are, thus, a proving ground of sorts for the player characters, designed to lure them in, deeper and deeper into her web. As flies will struggle, becoming more hopelessly entangled, they are drawn in by dribbles of treasure, slowly losing their resources to attrition, before finding their way to the 4th level with its extra-planar dimensional gates. I will say that I don't have (and never had) much issue with the steam-powered "spider-ship" that acts as Lolth's palace (keep in mind that there was no such thing as "steam-punk" in 1980)...it is assumed to be one of many "palaces" the Queen has stashed around the multiverse (just as the "Dream House" of Orcus is something of a demonic "Summer Villa")...this one just happens to be some sort of mobile war machine, used for conquest on other planets.

Of course, the spider ship is not on a Prime Plane planet at the moment: it is currently anchored in the Abyss (as inferred from the text describing the plane, the text explaining how the ship sometimes makes appearances on the Prime, and the fact that Lolth is herein, confined to the ship after having had her material form destroyed). Which means, of course that ALL the penalties and magical issues (reduced magic item potency, inability of clerics to regain spells, etc.) should apply as parties explore Lolth's palace. This might be quite the rude wake-up call, if PCs just spent an inordinate amount of time celebrating their visits to other worlds on Level 4...they may have been lulled into thinking "oh, good, everything's back to normal"...when, in fact, it isn't. The laissez-faire attitude of Lolth's palace minions might also contribute to this false sense of confidence.

Not that it matters terribly...I'd imagine most groups are going to end up in a TPK. I've run Q1 exactly one time: it did not end well for anyone other than Lolth. Which is probably about right...the BEST players should probably hope to achieve is escaping with their tails between their legs and as much treasure as they could stuff in their bags of holding, portable holes, etc. Actually defeating the Demon Queen of Spiders on her own plane?  Nah. My over-powered, psionic-heavy bard (dual-wielding a hammer of thunderbolts and a vorpal short sword) didn't make it out alive. You think your group could?

Mm.

All right, that's enough for today. I started this post last night (LATE at night) but had to finish it up this morning. I've got two weeks before I'm on a plane to Germany...time to buckle down.