"Dear JB" Mailbag #40

Hi JB!  So I am a bit perplexed over the situation and would appreciate any advice. Also my blood is boiling, but I'll try to keep this fair and factual. 

Currently I am a part of an online DnD campaign - and it is the best campaign of my life. I am enjoying it immensely, especially since my previous full-blown campaign's ending traumatized me a bit. My new DM - highly recommended - delivered fantastic sessions: great storytelling, balanced spotlight, the works.

Then one day it all changed, when one of the players asked if his wife could join. She’d supposedly been bullied out of another game. We are decent people, so we agreed. Later, we learned she’d been "bullied out" several campaigns with different groups. Red flag number one.

Her first action was demanding her paladin character be a literal anime space princess and would not accept any pleadings, with us being a rag-tag team of homeless scavengers. She would not budge, and the DM compromised, making her an emperor’s illegitimate daughter (not yet confirmed 100%, but enough to keep her satisfied). Red flag number two.

After some travelling she started subtly trying to change other PCs to fit in her narrative, masking it with back-handed compliments. Such as "Wow, your autognome was so much less annoying this time, keep it up!". And my poor autognome monk was not the only receiver of this treatment, this also included comments towards our cute elf warlock and several NPCs; she even started actively referring to other two players (including her husband) as "my simps". Then one day during combat, she threw a fit when the DM hit her 21 AC anime princess paladin several times. "This is not fair! Roll publicly! I don’t trust your rolls!". We were quite taken aback and again tried to reason with her, after which she claimed she was being bullied again before finally calming down.

By this time me and my friend (warlock) already approached the DM to discuss how she was making us uncomfortable. He said that he would talk to her, and for the next session it all died down, so we thought that it bore fruit. Then a week ago came a breaking point.

Princess multiclassed into warlock. The DM suggested a patron and was crystal clear (both directly and indirectly via NPCs): this patron was evil, would corrupt her, and may exploit her royal bloodline for its own ends. She agreed, as her potential patron promised her an ascension to the throne. We all thought: "How cool is that, her anime paladin will finally be going through an interesting ark!" Yet when the DM roleplayed her character’s growing bloodlust (exactly as warned), Princess was shocked. Princess was outraged. Princess said that her character would never-ever feel such dark urges.

After the session during our scheduled feedback time, she proclaimed she had a "joint complaint" against the DM. What exactly is a "joint complaint" if no one of the party participated, you ask? Turns out, she’d complained to out-of-game friends - who knew nothing about our campaign - and they accused the DM of "stripping her agency as a player" as there was "lack of wisdom saves to resist these urges". Guys, she screenshotted their nasty messages and sent them directly to the DM’s DMs. The messages where they mocked my DM and questioned his competence. I am fuming even now.

Seeing our DM - a kind, talented person - shaken was heartbreaking. So I lost my cool. I told Princess in no uncertain terms that this was unfair, highly unethical, and a violation of trust. If she didn’t trust the DM, she should find a DM that she DOES trust instead of trying to walk all over my favorite DM. She abruptly left the session, and I personally spent 20 minutes consoling our sweet DM.

Here’s the problem: the DM let it slip that he still wants to continue playing with her as there are couple of sessions left anyway and he wants to finish her ark. I also suspect that he is afraid that her husband may leave with her, and hubby is a valuable player and has a great and important character. I love this campaign and the storytelling, but Princess’s behavior is ruining my experience, my friends' experience and our DM's experience. How do I support my DM without enabling her? How do we protect his mental health if she stays? I do not want to pressure him to get rid of her, and my other teammates, although uncomfortable, would like to continue as is... 

EDIT: I deem this necessary to state: I am female, my warlock friend is female, we are not bros gatekeeping the sacred masculine DnD by booting a woman

Space Anime Princess Ruining My Game

Dear SAP:

I am angry right now...so, so angry. And it has nothing to do with you, or the world or the government or anything big and over-arching that affects anyone besides myself. It is a very personal issue/problem, relating to my idiot brother and our idiotic legal dispute and the idiotic legal system and the fact that it is forcing me to do all sorts of bullshit that I don't want to do and DEFINITELY don't have the time for, what with everything else on my plate. It is just one FUCKING DELAY AFTER ANOTHER and after waiting WEEKS for my hearing date to move a trial up so we wouldn't keep hemorrhaging money from my dead mother's estate, the judge dismissed the motion as it appeared the "defendant hadn't been served."  Despite me getting up at the crack of dawn and driving through fucking Seattle traffic to get to the Kent Regional Justice Center to file the fucking proof of service five minutes after the court opened (this after having already emailed it to them on August 21st per the idiotic bailiff's instructions). So NOW I have to redo the whole fucking process again in order to lose another month's worth of cash from this thing just because my brother is an asshole that I can't have removed without a court order.

Fucking hoboes. AmIright?

So, I'm angry. Like really, really pissed off, SAP. And since yelling and screaming obscenities won't do anything to help and I REALLY need to vent right now, I'm going to take it out on YOU. And I want you to know it's not your fault that I'm about to unload, it's me, it's all me, but you know what? You're a fucking idiot, too.

First Off: this is your Dungeon Master's cross to bear, not yours. Your DM has to "man up" and boot her himself...IF (and only if!) he has a problem with the person and her actions.

FOR EXAMPLE: Let's, for the sake of discussion, say I was your Dungeon Master. Yes, yes, and we'll assume I'm running 5E, and I'm all about the lovely "role-playing" and "story arcs" of your characters (have I mentioned I ran World of Darkness games for YEARS?). Let me put myself in your DM's shoes, and some new player comes to me with her "joint complaint." And I ask, um, who's complaining besides you? And she tells me "her friends" and puts screen-shotted comments in my face. Here's how I'd handle it:

#1 I'd tell her "Your friends can go fuck themselves."

#2 I'd say, "Remember how I said no phones at the table? Please get that out of my face."

#3 If she emailed me the screen shots I would hit 'delete' without comment.

And I would make it perfectly crystal clear that NO ONE IS FORCING YOU TO PLAY AT THIS TABLE. If you don't like how I run my games, feel free to TAKE A HIKE.

This is easy, easy stuff.

Oh, you're worried the lady's husband will leave? As a Dungeon Master I cannot live in fear that my players will walk out of a game.  CAN. NOT. Do you know why? Because players CAN and DO leave games AT ANY TIME. That is the players' prerogative. Players get jobs. They change schools. They move. The die. They have kids. Etc. You cannot have an attachment to your players such that it dictates control of your game. Period, end of story.

My game = my rules. But YOU don't have to play.

Still, that's NOT your problem, because YOU are not the DM. Likewise, your DM's "mental health" ain't your problem either. Your DM has to take care of his own shit: that's part of being a grown-ass human being. 

You want to support your DM? Show up at his game. That's all the support any DM needs or wants (though a thank you at the end of a session is always appreciated).

Sincerely,

JB