I Am A Jerk

There really is no graceful way out of this for me. Except perhaps by keeping my damn mouth shut...but that's not really my style.

As I wrote earlier today, I got axed from Alexis's on-line AD&D campaign. Cashiered. Shit-canned. Later, Alexis wrote a post about what a jerk I am. A bunch of folks wrote me nice words. Someone posted an off-topic remark on Alexis's game blog (please don't do that). I thought I might just let it go, but I feel there's been enough back-and-forth wasted that I probably ought to elaborate a bit on my own feelings/thoughts on the matter.

I was being an asshole. Alexis was totally within bounds to kick me to the curb.

I am an arrogant, stubborn, opinionated guy who has the insufferable quality of thinking he's right most of the time. You may have noticed my blog is littered with evidence of this.

I also have what my friend Michael once called a "tendency" to be "inflammatory." Honestly, I really have tried to blunt my Scorpio sting over the years and I'm much more mellow than I once was. I used to be downright mean, and fairly unrepentant of things I said and wrote. These days, I try to be kinder (and curse less), but I can still be terribly obnoxious. Especially when I get my ire up. You may have noticed more than a few rants posted to this blog on a variety of subjects.

And today I was angry...about a number of things, most unrelated to gaming (it's been a rough couple days), and it certainly carried over. That's not meant as an excuse or justification: I'm nearly 40 years old and know how to be polite and mature, regardless. I was pretty short on both those qualities this morning. That's inexcusable for a man my age.

Alexis, in my opinion, was acting to protect his players and his game...its quality, its integrity, its longevity. No matter how else he couches it...that he won't tolerate assholes, or PVP or whatever...it boils down to that. I certainly can't fault the man for that.

I appreciate his passion for the game. I admire his dedication, energy, and effort. What's more, he supports and promotes role-playing, a subject very near and dear to my heart. It doesn't matter that our style of play differs or not, I want the same thing he does: for the game to continue. Period.

Now, as I said, I was being an asshole. Never mind what anyone else was doing, I can only control my own actions. And I didn't like what was occurring and I handled it poorly. And my actions drew scathing remarks from Alexis and I handled that poorly, too. And he still gave me a chance to get back in the game and I blew that...because just as Alexis is too old to put up with assholes at his table, I'm too old to kiss ass just to stay in a game where clearly there is a clash between playing styles or semantics or game expectations.

And perhaps a simple apology for not playing by the rules (his rules, those rules that I had agreed to abide by when I first signed on) would have been enough. Perhaps...but I don't know. I'd already acted like a pretty big asshole...I was surprised to even have a chance at redemption once the shit hit the fan.

So there. Alexis runs a tight ship with very specific expectations of play. I tried to interpose my own expectations (like an asshole), rather than play nice...and I got exactly what I deserved. As I said, I don't bear Alexis any hard feelings (and he can say whatever he wants on his blog...Lord knows I talk enough smack about people on this blog, myself!).

For me, the worst part of all this is my embarrassment at my own actions. I realize I can be over-the-top, obnoxious, and a pain in the ass...but I really thought I'd reign it in for this game. I didn't, and it's too bad, but life goes on.

And that's about all the self-flagellation I'm going to do on the subject; I really hope others will let it drop as well. I've got a ton of other things to prep this week...including a Super Bowl party...so I don't have a whole hell of a lot o time to wallow in self-pity.

[original title of post: All Too Human]