Slumming

Lazy as hell. That's what I've been lately.

It's tough, folks. The kids are out of school, the weather's been beautiful, and the World Cup has been going since last Thursday. 

So much soccer. But it's great. The kids' club season just started (after a fantastic high school season for the boy) and we're already doing jamborees and whatnot, so having FIFA running non-stop is just keeping everyone pumped...apologies to the non-soccer fans.

[did you see that Spain'Cape Verde game? Vozinha is my new geezer hero]

But D&D has been on the backburner.

I mean, not TOTALLY...I have a project I'm working on, at the moment (more on that later), but playing D&D has been OFF the table the last month or so. Doesn't help that one of my players (Diego) is currently Mexico with his grandparents.

[he says he's training/conditioning for soccer, but he's mainly been hanging on the couch in his jammies with abuelo watching TV...again, it's the Mundial, folks]

And so, as happens at times (maybe when I've been drinking a lot...), I had a rather loopy idea. It was late, the soccer was over for the night but it was hot (it's been hot lately), and I was scrolling through random, terrible, Reddit posts trying to put my eyeballs to sleep and I thought:

What if I joined them?

What if I joined a 5E game...as a player?

Because, here's the thing: I know what these DMs want.  Unfortunately (stupidly, even), I was once looking for something very similar from my players. They want players with a high level of investment, who can "role-play" (in the play-acting sense), yet who still know the mechanics/rules and who can operate within those rules while maintaining the "fiction" of the story.

I get it. It's a fool's errand to hope for or expect this type of game because A) so few people have the capacity to operate in this way, B) it holds so little appeal to those who might have the ability, and C) the egos between such players and DMs can so easily get in the way or cause breakdowns in play. But I'm a rare unicorn in this regard. I can "role-play" and create characters that are "quirky" or "interesting" while still being cooperative, I can absorb and recall rules and mechanics, and I can have absolutely  no ego with regard to the "play of the game," because I have no attachment to playing 5E. I don't give a rip. 

I'd just be a mercenary character actor who knows how to roll dice and ham it up...easy-peasy. Plug me in. And...regardless of the relative ability of the DM or the other players, I won't say "boo;" rather, I'd act as the glue keeping the players together. As best as I can. Because I know how to do that.

But it would be "slumming" for me. And I think, while I might be able to contribute to a game session or two, I'd be doing a disservice to the others at the table because I "don't give a rip" and would have absolutely no loyalty to the game, the DM, or the table. I have no interest in staying for the multi-week (or -month) story arc that passes for a "campaign" in the 5E community. For me, it would just be passing time...just for the hell of it. Yes, I could provide the illusion of engagement...and it would be a type of "engagement"...but it would be an exercise devoid of caring. As I said: mercenary. And since (presumably) no one would be paying ME to play, I'm unlikely to stick around long.

Still, the idea started rattling around in my skull. 5E's a pretty simple game, and I'd just stick with my favorite character type: the Plain Jane human fighter. Durable, fight-worthy, and a "blank enough" slate that you can put whatever "character-isms" you want on him, and specializing in a single character combo makes my "roolz larnin" even easier. 

Admittedly, I'm not terribly original, so I'll repurpose my "old warrior" idea from back in 2010 because, why not? It's still good and (for me) a fun concept. Perhaps, we'll do him a bit 'looser' than King Haggard...a little more of Harold Lamb's Khlit, or even a bit of Don Quixote (without the delusions). Feisty, but not quite so mean...after all, he does have to work with the other PCs!

Pulling my son's 5E PHB from the bottom of his shelf, and just going "by the book," here's how I'd stat my not-so-OC:

Appropriate
Thousand Mile Stare

DON SALAZAR

Neutral Human Fighter, 1st Level

STR 14 (+2)

DEX 11

CON 9 (-1)

INT 13 (+1)

WIS 16 (+3)
CHA 15 (+2)

AC: 19

Hit Points: 9

Fighting Style: Defense, Second Wind

Skill Proficiencies: Animal Handling (+5), Intimidation (+4), History (+3), Persuasion (+4)

Equipment: chain mail, shield, longsword, dagger, spear, 2 hand axes, explorer's pack, fine clothes, signet ring, scroll of pedigree, purse with 22 gp

Background: Noble (Feature: Retainers)

Tale: For decades I have watched my family estates diminished, our debts take our land and livelihood, my father reduced to a doddering wretch. The time of my inheritance fast approaches, and yet what remains is little more than a ruin. There is nothing to build upon, nothing to start anew, our coffers empty of all but pride and what little respect remains for our name. 

Thus you find me as I am: a soldier-of-fortune, living by my sword in hopes of restoring the fortune that was my birthright. A man with courage and wit can find a way, even when the cause seems hopeless. I am not so young as I once was, but the time for adventure is now...for me, there is no other choice.

As I said, pretty easy to knock these things out...I am just a hack after all. But great literature isn't needed here...just a starting point for interaction with the other players in the game. If I do decide to "slum it" in a 5E game, this is the kind of approach I'll (probably) take. 'Cause it's easy. Plus I can use my "old man" voice to entertain people.

But right now, I have an Uruguay match to watch.

; )