Film Hate

Can I just talk about hate for a brief moment? I'm not talking about the absence or antithesis of love...I'm just talking about the standard dictionary definition of "intense or passionate dislike." There are some things that just make me really cranky...and while I could just keep 'em to myself, I have a feeling that might be bad for some of my internal organs.

So here comes a short (I hope) rant regarding films.

I don't work in Hollywood, so I have no "insider perspective" on the filmmaking process. I know that films cost a lot of money. I know that they take huge numbers of people working in collaboration to make them. I know that many of the decisions made by film companies revolve around the ability to recoup the money spent and make some profit so that the rich can get richer and produce more films, continuing the business of filmmaking (which helps employ all those people that work on making films). I know that no matter how much "vision" one, single person possesses (whether that's a writer, director, producer, etc.) that vision is going to be worked over a bit by all the other people involved in the filmmaking process...especially co-writers, co-producers, directors, film execs, etc.

And nothing I write on this blog is going to change that. Still, I'm talking about saving my spleen, here.

I HATE that there is so little originality coming out of Hollywood...that so many of the Big Budget Blockbusters are remakes (or "updates") of existing movies. Whether you're talking Straw Dogs or Clash of the Titans, I just feel like slapping people and saying this doesn't need a remake...if you want to introduce an old film to a new crowd, then digitally remaster it and re-release it. Otherwise make your own Goddamn movie, dudes. Aren't people being paid millions of dollars to do these things? And you can't think of an original idea? You suck.

I HATE it when films based on novels written in different time periods, decide to spruce up ("update" again) the material in order to make it more in line with out 21st century wants and perspectives. "Modernizing" it. Look, if you're going to make a live-action version of The Hobbit, then make The Hobbit. Don't make it into something else, restructuring the characters and plot to make it "cooler." If you don't feel like being faithful in your adaptation, then come up with your own original fucking idea for a movie. How many cars do you own?

[and just to add onto that...]

I HATE it when filmmakers choose to make films that use an existing piece of intellectual property (like The Hobbit) and then inject a bunch of random token characters into it because the original IP wasn't diverse enough in terms of gender and race. THERE IS IP OUT THERE THAT FEATURES DIVERSITY, WHY DON'T YOU ADAPT THAT?! There are lots of fairy tale books that feature female protagonists (Shirley Murphy's Soonie and the Dragon comes to mind). Oh, wait...that doesn't have enough blood and guts and combat for you?

Nice little tale. Dragon eats people.

[because bloody violence is what has made The Hobbit a beloved classic of children's literature for decades, right? That and all the songs/poems Tolkien threw in there]

Fine, how about adapting one of Robin McKinley's (award winning) books? How about adapting Jennifer Roberson's Cheysuli saga (when an author gets an eight book series published, maybe there's an audience)? How about adapting the saga of Brynhildr to the screen in a Norse mash-up the same way Ray Harryhausen adapted Perseus and Greek myth in the original Clash of the Titans? Are you just too fucking stupid to do this?

I HATE that so often Hollywood (when it comes to action/fantasy films) seems like the epitome of a "good ol' boys" network where the white, male (straight) hero front-and-center. I'm white AND male AND straight and I get tired of seeing the same old shtick.

You know what I really, REALLY don't want to see? I don't want to go into a screening of Star Wars VII and see three white buddies (two male, one female) going on a fantastic galactic adventure. That was fine in the 1970s, but it was certainly a tired concept by the time Harry Potter rolled into theaters. Give Lupita Nyong'o a kick-ass role as Lando's daughter-turned-space-pirate and let her be the "Han Solo" of the movie.

Oscar winners shouldn't have to play aliens.

Please don't make her a token "new apprentice" of Jedi Master Skywalker with the sole purpose of being killed off by the Big Bad Guy of the film. Please, please, please don't do that. And don't make her an "alien" (non-human), either.

[EDIT from 2016: They made her an alien. Dammit]

Anyway, these are some of the things I'm thinking/fuming about today. Earlier I watched a trailer for the new Hobbit film (I'm not even going to bother with a link...you folks can find it, I'm sure). And it just made me irritated. And then it got me thinking about Hollywood and all these things I "passionately dislike." Things I really can't change or impact or control. Which, BTW, just makes me more irritated.

One of the wonderful things about this RPG thing...the OSR movement, the Indie movement, the DIY-self-publishing thing is how nice it is to have some control and to be able to make shit without being beholden to "money men." I know that what drives the film industry to do things I hate is (for the most part) money. It's the same reason why people choose to live in Paraguay (for those who HAVE a choice): here you can start a business and expect (on average) 10-30% return on your investment annually.

[which is crazy-huge compared to the 5-8% (or 5-10%) you'd expect in the USA. Here, you can recoup your costs after three years and then just profits, baby, ever after. The money doesn't, of course, get reinvested in the country...but who cares when you can afford to send your kids to school in the United States? Just sad, in so many ways...]

People in the self-publishing RPG biz aren't getting rich, clearly, but at least folks are getting a chance to make games (and play games) that they want. If game design is an "artistic" enterprise (and I'd say it is), then at least its not the compromised art of the (establishment) film industry. And that makes it cooler than Hollywood and (for me) mostly "hate-proof."

Mostly.
; )

Chop! Dragon Breath (Part 4)

[continued from here; last one, I promise!]

So, then, we come to the big question: how does one do battle with such a monster?

I spent a couple-few days reviewing various dragon slayings in (non-D&D) film and fiction, and compiled a short list for review:

1. Unnamed dragon (from Beowulf). Slayer: Beowulf (with Wiglaf). Method: multiple (four) sword strikes. Result: Beowulf mortally wounded by dragon fire.
2. Vermithrax Pejorative (from Dragonslayer). Slayer: Ulrich (with Galen). Method: suicide bombing (via magic). Result: Ulrich sacrifices himself.
3. Bryagh (from Flight of Dragons film). Slayer: Sir Orrin. Method: (thrown) sword to creature's chest. Result: Orrin mortally wounded by dragon fire.
4. Maur (from The Hero and the Crown). Slayer: Aerin Red-Hair. Method: dagger plunged through eye (up to shoulder) into brain. Result: badly maimed by dragon fire with lingering mortal wound.
5. Smaug (from The Hobbit): Slayer: Bard of Esgaroth. Method: dwarf-forged arrow to creature's chest. Result: Esgaroth ("Lake-Town") is destroyed in fiery conflagration.
6. Lambton Worm (from folklore). Slayer: John Lambton. Method: multiple sword wounds in river preventing regeneration (river washed away pieces). Result: Lambton family cursed to untimely deaths for nine generations.
7. Glaurung (from The Silmarillion). Slayer: Turin Turambar. Method: sword wound to underbelly from hideyhole. Result: Turin was fine but dragon's final curse loses him his sister/wife and unborn child (and leads Turin to commit suicide).
8. Maleficent (from Sleeping Beauty). Slayer: Prince Phillip. Method: (thrown) sword to creature's chest. Result: no damage (thanks to magic Shield of Virtue).
9. Unnamed crocodile (from legend of St. George). Slayer: George of Lydda. Method: lance charge from horseback. Result: nothing thanks to Christian devotion.
10. Fafnir (from Volsunga). Slayer: Sigurd. Method: sword stab to left shoulder from below, while hiding in ditch. Result: Sigurd gains magical powers, but is cursed for taking dragon's treasure (and things go downhill from there, eventually leading to untimely death).

There are some commonalities in the majority of these stories. Firstly, the battle with a dragon is most often a solitary one. Even when a hero brings an army or entourage, they're chickening out long before the showdown with the beast. You can chock this up to magical "dragon fear" (a la Dragonlance by way of the 1st edition Monster Manual), but big monsters are just too much for non-heroic types to handle. And they're ineffective to boot: the arrows of Bard's guardsmen simply bounce off of Smaug's scaly hide. In Dragonslayer we are told that when King Gaiseric went against Vermithrax with "his best company of fighters," none came back alive. This doesn't mean that a hero can't have aid in slaying the dragon...and D&D is a game of multiple protagonists...but it's something to be considered.

Secondly, in almost every case, the slaying of the dragon is only accomplished with sacrifice and/or at great cost. Four of the heroes listed are left dying as a direct result of the wounds they suffer while fighting the dragon. Three are subject to curses received as a result of killing the monster. Only Bard, Phillip, and St. George escape personally unscathed, but Bard's entire town is destroyed and its people left as refugees. As for Phillip's fight...well, it's a 1959 Disney film for children and not actually based on real folklore (there's no dragon in Little Briar Rose). Meanwhile, St. George doesn't even face dragon fire...I should probably have left it off the list.

[perhaps I should have listed Niner and King Roland from Stephen King's The Eyes of the Dragon, but while Niner is majestic and fire-breathing, he is still treated as a beast to be hunted not a monster of epic proportion]

In every case (except with poor ol' Vermithrax), it takes a piercing weapon to do the job. A good axe can take a chunk out of a thick tree, but not one wrapped in steel-strong hide. Often, magical aid is helpful in getting the job done. Phillip gets a lot of fairy help, not the least of which are his magic sword and shield.

In nearly every case (except The Hobbit) the slaying of the dragon is accomplished from close range. This has the unfortunate propensity of exposing the hero to the monster's breath weapon which...unless protected by magic (Galen, Phillip)...is absolutely deadly. The heroes doing the slaying are usually already cooked, and it is only their inherent grit (Orrin, Aerin, Beowulf) that allows them to deliver the death blow. Otherwise, some form of stealth may allow the hero (Turin, Sigurd) to strike while delivering the hero from physical damage...but really what's the bottom line, here? 'Cause this series has already lasted too long for a single saving throw...

With these things in mind, let's consider how to restructure combat for dragons.

[oh, what...you don't like special "dragon combat rules?" Why not? Every D&D editions always included special combat mechanics when fighting dragons. They're a different beast]

"My armor is like tenfold shields..." --Smaug

A dragon has a defensive class ("ascending armor class") equal to ten plus its hit dice, at least in B/X (a red dragon has 10 HD, for a DC of 20; this is the equivalent of the dragon's listed AC of -1. The white dragon has 6 HD, and a DC of 16...four less than the red and again equivalent to a B/X AC of 3). But while the DC is what must be "rolled over" for a successful attack, it doesn't tell the whole story. You can't kill a dragon with a mace or an axe or even a war hammer...its hide is too thick and much too hard. You must use a long, piercing blade: a spear, long sword, lance, pike, etc. that can be stabbed between scales or into vulnerable areas, like the eyes.

From The Hero and The Crown (McKinley, 1984):

"It is customary today to hunt the dragon with arrow and thrown spear; but if one of the Great Ones comes again, this will avail his attacker little. As their size has diminished, so has their armament; a well-thrown spear may pierce a small dragon anywhere it strikes. The Great Ones had only two vulnerable spots that might be depended upon: at the base of the jaw where the narrow head joins the long neck; and behind the elbow, from whence the wings sprout. Dragons are, as I have said, nimble; it is most unlikely that a Great One would be so foolish as to lower its head or its wings to make an easy mark. A great hero only may slay a Great One; one who by skill and courage may draw close enough to force the fatal blow."

If you want to allow PCs to nickel-and-dime dragons, then allow magical weapons (only) to inflict a maximum amount of damage equal to their magical bonus (only) with a successful attack. They are otherwise only inflicting pinpricks on a dragon with their feeble attacks: they are mosquitos to its hide...simply irritants (and that's with a successful attack). For actual methods of slaying a dragon, we must turn back to Chainmail.

Chainmail provides two means by which a heroic fighter (a Hero or Super Hero) may defeat a dragon: fantasy melee or the (much easier) "shoot-it-down-with-an-arrow-when-it-flies-overhead" method. We'll forget the latter (for the moment...we'll come back to it), because we're not trying to model the singular Bard the Bowman (and making such a method easier is the surest way to turn a unique situation commonplace). So instead, we'll look at melee:

A Super Hero (8th level fighter equivalent) slays a (Great Red) dragon on a 2D6 roll of 11+, and drives it back on a 10. A Hero (4th level fighter equivalent) slays a dragon on a 2D6 roll of 13+, and drives it back on a 12. Note that it is impossible for a Hero to kill a dragon unless armed with a magic sword (which gives a bonus to the roll). A Super Hero escapes death by dragon fire on a 2D6 roll of 7+.

Okay, now lets convert those percentages to D20 rolls (since neither B/X, nor my new heartbreaker, use 2D6 as their standard mechanic).

A Super Hero can slay a dragon on a D20 roll of 19+. That 11+ on 2D6 is about an 8.5% chance of success. Rolling a 19+ on a D20 is a 10% chance, but I'm willing to give a little extra. A Super Hero is the equivalent of an 8th level fighter (+8 to melee attack rolls in my game), meaning the PC has hit a target of 27 (19+8) to slay the dragon. What is a 27 when compared to a red dragon's aforementioned DC of 20?

A perfect strike from a strong (13+ STR) person.

Remember that in my "revised combat system" every rollover point equals 1 point of damage inflicted by a PC. Swords and spears only inflict a maximum of six points (though that maximum can be increased by strong characters, or enchantment). To inflict 7 points (a perfect thrust of greater than average strength) requires an attack roll seven over the DC of the opponent.

A 4th level fighter (the equivalent of Chainmail's Hero) cannot achieve this result against a red dragon. She needs something extra...like a sword +1, +3 versus dragons.

Sorry, Galen...it ain't happening.

The D20 roll for a Super Hero to escape a blast of dragon fire is 9 or better (a 60% chance...a skosh more than the 58.3% of 7+ on 2D6). Of course, we want ALL player characters to have a chance to escape dragon fire, not just the 8th level ones, so we work backwards from here: PC must rollover 16 to avoid dragon fire; add level to roll. There that was easy enough. The arc of a dragon's breath weapon isn't enough to catch more than one or two PCs at a time if they stay spread out and harry the monster from multiple sides. Tactics become important here, since the breath weapon equals death. A magic shield might add its bonus to this roll...if it's a big enough shield.

Ah, but what if you've got to kill a dragon and there're no 8th level warriors in the party and you're totally willing to sacrifice yourself heroically? Good question! I'm doing away with the rules for subduing a dragon (duh) and instead instituting something I like to call "Going for the Kill!" One PC of the party can draw the dragon's attention and ire and get all close-and-personal...as opposed to dancing around hoping to hit the jackpot roll while avoiding dragon breath. When you "Go for the Kill!" you receive a +5 bonus to your attack roll, meaning even a 4th level character can slay a Great Red with an 18+ roll (18+4+5=27). Interestingly enough, this improves your chances to the same as if you used the "shoot dragon's underbelly with bow" rule from Chainmail: 15% for Heroes, and 35% for Super Heroes (40% with a high Agility score). See? Told you we'd come back to that!

Going for the kill is not all wine and roses, however. By (pretty much) challenging the dragon to single-combat and getting in close, you will be subjected to dragon fire. That means no "rollover save" to avoid the flames...the PC isn't trying to avoid the flames, she's trying to deliver a death blow. The mechanic works like this: you must announce you're "going for the kill" before rolling initiative. If you lose initiative, or if you miss your attack roll, then your character is bacon...or, at least, mortally wounded (I believe I mentioned before a little resource called "grit?" It allows characters to fight on after being mortally wounded, which means you can see a Beowulf or Sir Orrin type combat, where the hero still slays the dragon despite being slain himself). It's tough...but that's the price you pay to be a hero.

[regarding the possibility of magical curses and whatnot, I leave it up to individual DM's to decide how magical and fairy tale nasty they want their campaign setting to be]

All right, this was a lot longer than I intended it to be. Thanks for sticking with it. I'll get to chopping the last saving throw a lot sooner...probably tomorrow (and that post should be a lot shorter). Oh, on the subject of magic...specifically, how PC magic-users can use their powers to slay dragons...my inclination is to again refer back to Chainmail, where magic just doesn't affect the monsters (fireballs and lightning bolts just drive 'em back "one space"). You might arrange to have some sort of suicide explosion spell like Ulrich uses in Dragonslayer, but magic in my own heartbreaker is going to be a bit more on the "understated" side, anyway. If you want to kill a dragon, get a lance...or a very long sword.
: )

Chop! Dragon Breath (Part 3)

[continued from here. Sorry, real life's been keeping me busy, so let's jump right in]

From the D&D Basic Set (Moldvay, 1981):

PARTY ACTIONS: The first decision a party must mke in an encounters whether to fight, talk, run, or wait to see what the monster will do. 

If the party chooses to fight, combat will begin... 

If the party chooses to talk (and if the monster will listen), the DM plays the part of the monster. The players can ask questions, make bold statements, and otherwise react to the creature. The encounter may then become peaceful (agreement!), hurried (as the monster or party runs away), or violent (if the talks lead to combat). 

If the party chooses to run away, the monster might not follow, in which case the encounter is over. If the monster decides to chase them, the players must try to outrun it or distract it so that they may escape... 

If the party chooses to wait to see that the monster will do, the DM must decide the monster's reactions.

This, then, is our blueprint with which to start.

Let's begin with the presumption that dragons are never "just another encounter." For a beast to have lived hundreds of years (enough to become a serious threat or to accumulate a hoard worth pillaging), the beast must have used both its might and intelligence. Unless you wish to have "dragon country" where the beasts are small and treated like vermin to be stamped out (see Robin McKinley's The Hero and The Crown as an example) we're not talking about St. George's crocodile. We're talking about giant, flying engines of destruction.

Good model for "little" dragons.

[if you do want to have small, lesser dragons like those in McKinley's book, I would use the exact same stat-line as the D&D hell hound to represent them. There would be no save for their breath attack, but damage from their flame tongues is minor enough to make them dangerous without being deadly (well representing the novel's creature)...assuming the PCs have no kennet ointment to protect themselves, of course]

Encounters with dragons should be momentous occasions, not random battles. Oh, it's not a bad idea to have one on a wandering monster chart for a particular patch of wilderness...have one fly overhead, far out of arrow range, before returning to its lair, already sated on some farmer's cattle. The passing shadow is enough to put a little fear of God into adventurers while cluing them in that there is such a creature in the vicinity...should they wish to tackle it.

More often than not, any dragon with which the party is going to interact should be encountered in its lair (we're talking about chromatics here, not those goody-two-show gold dragons that wander around polymorphed in human form). There's a couple reasons for this: one is dragons sleep a lot. They do this to conserve energy, giving time (sometimes years) for the food supply to repopulate after devastating the countryside. If dragons are constantly active and hunting, your fantasy setting is going to look like the post-apocalyptic depiction in the film Reign of Fire. A world of ash with people living in caves, in other words.

Over-hunting leads to a depopulated food source.

Dragons also tend to stay in their lairs to guard their hoards. A combination of intelligence and avarice makes them homebodies, suspicious that some thief is going to purloin their stash...which is just as well for the folks outside its lair. If the beast gets hungry, it's probably going to level a nearby town, gorging itself so that it doesn't have to go out again for awhile. This can lead to a cycle where small communities, devoid of heroes (perhaps because they died trying to defend the town), give the dragon regular tribute in the form of treasure and cows (or people) and whatnot.

So the monster is going to be in its home, more often than not. If a dragon is perched on the local church steeple than something terrible is probably about to happen.

When in its lair, a dragon is probably sleeping. What else would it be doing? Watching TV? Updating Facebook? Probably not counting its money...and probably not eating either (the eating and digesting of food is accomplished outside the lair, though nearby. You'll be able to smell dragon territory as you approach). Unless you just followed it back from a hunting excursion, it's snoozing more likely than not. I wouldn't bother worrying about a percentile roll for this: just use a regular surprise roll, with any roll of "surprise" indicating the creature is asleep. The chance of surprise is based on how the party approaches...all a-clinking in armor and weapons? Standard 1 to 2. Taking caution to be stealthy? 1 to 4. Unarmored halflings should, of course, surprise on a 1 to 5.

Failing to surprise the monster doesn't mean it wasn't asleep...it means you woke it up.

Now, unless the dragon has had previous dealings with the characters in question, most times it's going to be at least a little curious as to who dared enter its home uninvited; dragons are well aware of their own might, after all, and quite prideful/arrogant because of it. It is unlikely that someone has come hoping to slay it...the idea is folly (and anyway the dragon is confident in his own abilities regarding such an attack)! There are several likely reasons someone may have stumbled into their lair: perhaps they are lost and bumbling, perhaps they've come with a message, perhaps they wish to bargain for a favor or service, or perhaps they are there to offer some sort of tribute. Of course, the dragon reasons that the most likely reason for uninvited guests is theft: someone has dared to brave the dragon's lair because of tales of its great wealth and the hope of pilfering something of value.

In most cases, an awakened dragon will want to question these strangers: not out of any love of conversation (though who's to say a solitary dragon doesn't get a tad lonely?), but to ascertain both motivation and threat level. Even thieves are not destined for an immediate barbecue: the dragon is going to want information from would-be burglars, including accomplices, financiers, and earlier forays that may have been successful (it is always possible this isn't the thief's first attempt, just its first time being caught). Assuming such conversation is possible, play becomes a battle of wits with the dragon, as players try to keep themselves from the fire with riddles, flattery, obfuscation, and subterfuge. Reaction rolls become important (and good Charisma scores)...though keep in mind that adventurers outfitted like thieves and mercenaries will probably receive penalties to such rolls.

"Greetings, mortal worm!"

Even if such conversations go south, its unlikely that the dragon is simply going to open fire. This is the dragon's home, after all, and its breath is as destructive to its possessions (i.e. treasure) as to interlopers ...remember the legendary avarice of dragons! If there's no overt threat from the PCs, the dragon is probably content with scaring them off...preferably after making them empty their pockets. Three or four adventurers aren't much of a snack anyway: the skinny ones are hardly a mouthful, and the fatter ones are tough to get out of their metal shells (and may leave bits of armor lodged between teeth). No, unless the adventurers are determined to throw themselves into battle, the dragon is probably content to run them off its property and go back to napping. It can always track them down by scent later, should it so choose to amuse itself in that way.

So, what if the PCs can't communicate with the creature? Vermithrax Pejorative wasn't much for talking...though she seemed to recognize and understand human speech well enough (several characters talk to her throughout the film, receiving reactions...and how else would the king have been able to make the bargain for twice yearly offerings?). Even if the dragons in your campaign lack the capacity for human speech, creatures that understand (and appreciate) the value of treasure should probably have some comprehension of speech...or be able to read their minds, or smell emotions, or whatever. These are reasoning creatures...not just animals to be butchered. And so, even one-way communication should still be possible (and the dragon's own body language can communicate to the PCs what it thinks of their discussion...see the dragon in Shrek as a comedic example).

Running away is a fine strategy when facing a dragon, of course, and for the reasons above DMs can let players escape unharmed...assuming, of course, that they haven't taken anything from its hoard. Stealing from a dragon is the surest way to draw the monster from its lair and it will pursue such filchers to the ends of the earth. Not only for vengeance, understand, but on principle...the dragon can't let adventurers go spreading stories of the creature being an easy mark, or it will only be a matter of time before thieves strike again. Now adventurers that taunt a wakened dragon with a piece of purloined treasure should of course be subject to immediate immolation, unless some drastic (magical) measures are taken (unlike the Rankin/Bass film's portrayal, Tolkien's novel states Bilbo only stole a cup when the dragon was asleep...it was upon returning to the lair that he conversed and taunted Smaug, and the only reason he escaped more than a singe was Smaug's inability to fit more than his nostrils into the escape tunnel; Bilbo never faced a full blast of dragon fire).

If PCs are willing to run, let them. If they're willing to sacrifice something (throwing down the weapons they're carrying, dropping a sack of treasure), let them escape UNscorched. If they're really deserving of a singing, let the dragon give 'em each a single die of damage (die type depending on the creature's size) as it sends them on their way.

[to be continued in one last installment]