Nazis

It's early in the morning, and I have a couple hours before I have to get the kid up for his cross-country training, after which I need to go down to the court house to work on...just sad, sad shit that I don't really want to do.

But it's sad shit that I have to do, unfortunately. The last couple-three days would have been wonderful, wonderful summer days spent with my family and our friends...except that I have this serious stress hanging over my head, a cloud of poison that just taints the joy in my life. To be brief: I need to sell my (dead) mother's house in order to wrap up her estate (I'm the executor) but my brother is refusing to move out (I allowed him to stay there while we cleaned it, since he's a hobo) and now is determined to fight me in court. He's a stupid asshole without a legal leg to stand on, but he's just intent on dragging this out as long as possible, making it as time consuming and crappy as possible.

*sigh*

So, I'm up this morning, because this is the kind of stuff that wakes me up at 5am and doesn't let me get back to sleep. And while sipping some coffee and checking through Ye Old Email, I saw a reddit post about some kid (a 20 year old) who believes he's discovered that one of his players (another kid: 18 years old) is a "Neo-Nazi" and wants to know what he should do about it. 

[long, long pause]

There are many humans in this world that I'd prefer to not hang out with or have at my dinner table. For all sorts of reasons. I mean, for a LOT of different reasons, not just matters of "political ideology." There are plenty of people...even people I know, even family members...who I simply have little to nothing in common with and that generate "nothing much" of interest to me and whom (I'd assume) have little interest in what I might have to share with them. 

'Course, that's generally a false assumption...I get dragged into social settings with people I don't want to hang with all the time (this is usually my wife's doing) and...me being me...I usually find something to have a conversation with them, that's a bit better than what the weather is like this time of year. It's not terribly hard (for me, at least) to dig a little deeper under a person's surface facade and find some common ground, some place where we can meet and exchange ideas.

But while it's always "worth the effort" to find commonality and make connections with our fellow humans, a lot of times that 'connecting' is the ONLY thing of any value coming from the effort. Just because I've learned someone shares my love of a good tuna melt doesn't mean I'm going to grow, develop, or evolve in any meaningful way. Making connections aren't the same things as making bonds.

However, over my five plus decades of life, in interacting with all sorts of people (and having a very wide and eclectic social circle) I've drawn some conclusions about humanity, that I'd like to share. 

#1 Humans, as entities, are GOOD. I really, honestly mean that. We are beings of "goodness," by our very nature. I understand that is a pretty difficult idea to swallow when there are countless examples of people who have done (and who continue to perpetrate) really evil and despicable acts. But it's something I've come to believe based on my experience. This is not some belief I have based on my religion (although my particular religion would agree with my personal conclusions)...I just have never experienced the contrary. I have never seen or experienced any evidence of a human that was "born bad" or is "evil to the core." Some might say (perhaps) that I've just been lucky in this regard...I acknowledge that's a possibility (though my religion, which has been around a lot longer than me, would say otherwise).

#2 "Bad humans" are the result of bad choices. I believe that humans have free will...we absolutely do. Nothing "makes us do" the things we do, once we're adults. We have the ability to choose what we do. 

"But I was starving!"

"But my child was going to die!"

"But we were facing an existential threat!"

Bull. Shit. We always have a choice...humans always have a choice. "But they put a gun to my head! I would have died!" We will all, some day, die. ALL of us. Shuffling off this mortal coil is part of our human experience...wanting to prolong our lives (i.e. "survive") is also human nature and totally understandable. But it does not remove our free will. "Coercion" is a subjective thing, influencing different people to different degrees. 

In the end, humans always get their say in their own actions; and it is their actions that define our behavior, good and bad.

What we perceive as "bad people" are people who have made bad choices. I'd guess that all the people reading this blog can look back at times they've made bad choices in their lives...I know that I have. And it doesn't matter the reason or motivation. A "bad" choice made for "good" reasons is still "bad." And if you make enough "bad choices," even if you're making them for "good" reasons, people are going to perceive you as a "bad person."

However, I should probably use more specific language. When I say "bad" I mean "evil," not just "wrong." An evil choice is one that does harm, intentionally. And for it to have been "intentional," the person making the choice must have had awareness and knowledge that the choice would do harm. 

And, by the way, that "harm" includes "harm to ourselves," not just harm to others. If I know cigarettes are bad for my health and will kill me, then deciding to smoke is a "bad choice."

We all make bad decisions, bad choices, over the course of our lives; most of us make a LOT of bad choices. But we also make good choices, too. And many, many of us repent of our bad choices and try to make amends for those bad choices...or, at least, try to "not make the same mistakes" (bad choices) in the future. That's all to our credit. 

What we perceive as "evil people" are people who have made bad choices, and continue to make bad choices, and who seem unwilling or unable to stop making bad choices. And I acknowledge that it can be hard for a person who has spent years or decades of making bad choices to suddenly stop...habits are habits, and habitual behavior becomes identity. And changing one's identity is akin to asking them to dissolve themselves...it goes against that "survival" aspect of human nature, mentioned earlier.

I've seen this in action with my own brother. Oh, he doesn't do "evil" to others, except in minor ways (the stress he's causing me and my family is pretty small in the grand scheme of "harm" one can do in the world). But he has spent years of self-harm with his decision-making, to the point that it has warped his own perception of who he is, i.e. his identity. It has not mattered that he's had other people...good friends, family members, loved ones...trying to help and support him and show him what he could be, or remind him of what he once was. He embraces his current identity, and continues to make the same poor choices and continues to refuse help and continues to blame his problems on external factors...rather than his own decisions.

But he's a 49 year old man. Not an 18 year old kid.

#3 With life and free will, change is always possible. Just because you've been a jerk in the past, doesn't mean you have to be a jerk in the future...nor even a jerk in the present. Of course, once you have a reputation as a jerk, it's hard for people to see you as anything else, even if you're trying to turn over a new leaf. That's just the way things are.

But it's possible. I'm a person who's gone through multiple "transformations" over the course of my life...51 years isn't a whole helluva' lot int he grand scheme of things, but it's still half a life. I went from being a real "goody-goody," to some kind of "tough guy/badass," to a "slacker/hedonist," to an "all natural Peaceful Warrior," to a "grown up / professional," to a "world traveller," to a "stay-at-home dad."  And even the current "role" that I'm playing can be broken up into different chapters, as I've had to evolve and adapt to my kids' stages of development. 

[just a couple days ago I was talking with my son, discussing the importance of our relationships with other humans and the creation of those relationships while still retaining our authenticity...ideas and concepts that will be important as he enters the arena of high school, but very different from what I'd tell him when he was my daughter's age]

These transformations have never been easy, mainly because I'm not a very patient individual and real change takes time; replacing prior habits with new habits is not an overnight process, even when one is focused and dedicated to altering your behavior and identity. In fact, the shorter the time you give yourself to change, the harder it is...gradual change (like the kind that transforms a young man into an old man) is the easiest of all, but it will take a good long time. 

Interestingly (well, interesting to me) I can say that all the transformations I've made have been done out of love; occasionally love for myself, but USUALLY out of love for others. Love for a girlfriend, love for my parents, love for my wife, love for my kids. I think...I think...that for real change, real transformation to occur, a person must be highly motivated. And for most humans (a fairly lazy bunch, when you get down to it), it's hard to think of a much higher motivation than love. Death, I suppose...but as transforming identity is akin to death, it's hard for death to motivate much more than changing (small) aspects of our identity (quitting smoking or changing diet, for example).

Does ostracizing individuals aid them in finding love?

Back to the "Nazi" gamer kid.

I don't make a big secret about my politics: I tend to lean pretty far to the left. Once upon a time, I thought it was somewhat important to not support (i.e. give money to) folks who championed beliefs that were antithetical to my own...especially people who I felt were making deliberately harmful choices with their works or their propaganda or...well, with their lives.

Of course, I never thought once about the people who might be putting money in my pocket, supporting me financially by buying my books, regardless of our "political differences."  

But I've grown since those days. For one thing, I've gamed with a lot of different people over the years, from all sorts of backgrounds, none of which ever made any difference to me...even (or especially) when I was younger. Because we weren't coming together to discuss politics; instead, we were there to play games. And we're still there to play games. LOTS of people like Dungeons & Dragons...people of all genders, people of all colors, people of all religions, people of all political ideologies. Are they good at playing the game? That's the real question. Do they get along well with their table mates? Do they respect the authority of the DM? Do they lie and cheat? Do they contribute to the fun of the activity?

I don't make a big secret about my politics, but I'm not expressing my politics when we sit down to game. I may use my knowledge of real world religions to inform the various churches and temples of my world (maybe), but I'm not trying to convert my players to any particular belief system. 

Do I permit and allow and accept hatred and intolerance at my table? Eh. It just doesn't usually come up. When we were kids, it was pretty "par for the course" to make transgressive remarks and shit-talk and whatnot...which is something you find in teens and adolescents of all stripes (in my experience). But I don't allow bullying at my table, and I tend to curb things before people get uncomfortable...mainly just by focusing the action on the game being played. If the players aren't focused on the game, then chances are I'm doing a poor job of being a Dungeon Master.

I play with (and allow) all sorts of people at my table. If a really hardcore white supremacist or lefty radical or whatever came to my table and was uncomfortable about the folks I allowed to sit in I'd say, "you don't have to play." If one of my kids complained about one of the new kids I was allowing into a session, I'd say "you don't have to play" (of course, the new kid would only be there because he or she was invited by one of my children, so this only happens as a 'sibling issue'). 

Let me be clear: I dislike Nazi (and Neo-Nazi) ideology...a lot. 

But there's a LOT of ideology out there I dislike. I've been pretty disgusted by actions the state of Israel has taken in recent months. To me, the war in Gaza has looked a lot like good old fashioned genocide, and the unprovoked attacks on Iran are indefensible. Very bad choices, in other words. Doesn't mean I'm an anti-semite, or that I "hate jews." I don't even hate the Israelis...I'm sure there are many Israelis who share (some of) my feelings. I know former Russians, now Americans, who are repulsed by Putin's invasion of Ukraine, even as they are proud of their heritage. My own government has made (and continues to make) bad choices, sadly, in the name of political ideology.

But hating the bad doesn't transform the bad.

I've gone from being angry (a lot) and hating things to being sad (a lot). Lots of things make me sad. War and poverty.  Dictators and would-be dictators. Children with cell phones. Lots of things. But sadness doesn't create transformation either. I can be sad about the Neo-Nazi gamer kid ("oh, so sad...") or I can be angry about him ("get the hell out of my hobby!") and the end result will be pretty much the same: there will still be one more Neo-Nazi in the world, doing Neo-Nazi stuff. He might not be my problem (not now, not yet), but that doesn't mean it's not problematic. 

And so, in the words of that Jesus guy, we've got to strive to love our neighbors as ourselves (yep, that old saw...). Which, by the way, ain't the same thing as being permissive of asshole behavior (hate speech, racist epithets, etc.). But I wouldn't kick someone from my table just because of how they voted in the last election. I can't change how you voted in the last election (even if I cared)...and that doesn't mean you won't somehow be changing your tune before the next election.

I've known a LOT of stupid 18 year olds that matured into something better than they were in their youths. I was pretty stupid myself...about a LOT of things.

We tend to throw around little "truisms" like flawed humans or nobody's perfect. Over the years, I've become less and less enamored with these phrases...phrases that imply that there's something wrong with the way we were created. In a grand scheme of the universe...if you believe in a primary actor/mover ("God" in the common parlance) setting things in motion...then you will (as I do) be forced to come to the conclusion that we were created a diverse group of individuals on purpose. We are all "perfect" in our own way...perfect vessels for the souls that are within each and every one of us. With our changing technology, however, we have become a far more secular, and far less spiritual species...and that has led us to (a tendency to) ignore or disregard or disbelieve that animating spirit within each of us...that real, actual thing that is the true uniter of us as a species, despite all our surface, external differences. Our inability (or unwillingness) to connect to each other's souls has...more than anything else...led to the polarization and discord we see in the world, even within nations that once had (if nothing else) a shared identity. 

How can various nations hope to get along if the people within those nations cannot even get along?

I am neither a politician, nor a lawmaker; my actions take place on a much more limited stage, a much smaller scale and scope. And yet, I understand that my actions...my choices...still make a difference. And I'll be even more specific than that: I believe playing D&D with human beings makes a difference. Yes, a silly game about fighting monsters and finding treasure. Outside of kids' sports teams (which longtime readers will know I'm a big fan of), there are precious few formal ways we have of interacting with other people in a cooperative (non-competitive) fashion. Of making human connections. On a larger scale than a romantic couple or even many (most?) nuclear families. Especially for adults...adults who have so many worries and stresses in their lives. 

We need to make human connections. As I wrote waaaay back at the beginning of this post, sometimes the connection itself is the only thing of value from socializing. That was not meant to disparage the act...we do not do this enough in our current society. And with D&D gaming, you have an automatic "in" to connecting with a fellow human on a deeper level than their surface identity.

I've been thinking about this a lot lately.

I've been thinking about it a lot, and yet I haven't known how exactly to express it. This seemed like an opportune time. With regard to the Nazi gamer kid, I could have simply kept my fat mouth shut on the matter, but... (*SIGH*) I have a voice, I have an audience. And I do think it's important. 

Yes, it does matter that you're a damn stupid Nazi. That's a bad, bad choice. But as long as you're respectful or the game and of myself and of the other players at the table, you can play D&D with me. 

We really need to stop hating the fuck out of each other.