Dear JB:I need advice.
So I feel like I'm alone with this problem as I struggle finding anyone else who I can talk to about it. I started playing DND about 8 years back right out of college and have exclusively played on Roll20. I enjoyed being a player for the first year or so, but then I noticed that after I DMed a session, I didn't care for doing much else. I'd get into a session and all I can do is be bored. I find myself getting distracted or even dozing off if I'm a player. Ever since then, I have almost exclusively been a DM for that reason. But I want to be able to be a player and find my love for being a player again. But for example, tonight with me playing a warlock we spent about half the session talking to the adoptive parents of one of our party members. I found myself bored by the slow pace of the roleplay when I had little to contribute. Then when the time came for combat, I was so zoned out that my fiancee had to send me a discord message to alert me that we were now in a bar fight. I don't know if this is all thanks to the ADHD my therapist wants me to get checked for or if it's just me being an asshole player, all I know is I want to figure this out and get back to loving being a player because I can only DM so much.I'm A DM That Is A Terrible Player
Dear Terrible Player:
Ah...first world problems! How I've missed you!
Sorry, sorry...I don't mean to make light. Everyone's problems are real. Pain is real. Suffering is real. Whether you're a starving resident of Gaza or a billionaire who can't wait for Trump to turn the place into a resort...all humans have "stuff that weighs us down." I know I do. And, objectively speaking, I really shouldn't. My mother (R.I.P.) had a fridge magnet that said: "The more you complain, the longer God lets you live."
Since I enjoy living, I don't see myself ceasing to whine anytime soon.
*AHEM* Anyway...back to you TP. Now, what you're describing is really TWO separate issues. Well, maybe three. I'm going to address each separately.
The first issue is that you feel you "can only DM so much." Sure, got it. Look, just because you can DM, doesn't mean you are a DM.
You've been playing for eight years. I'm guessing that seems like an eternity. You're engaged to be married (congrats!) and started playing "right out of college," so I'm pegging you as a person in your late-20s? My son is fourteen and he's been playing for five and a half years. He can run D&D, but he vastly prefers to be a player (and not just because his Pops is the DM...he's played in other people's games). It's just easier. And it's fun. And he enjoys it.
Now me, I've been playing for 40+ years. There was a time...say, four years in...that I wanted to be a player. And I did that for a couple/three years. And since then, I've been a player on many occasions, for many games. Not just D&D and D&D-adjacent but all sorts of RPG: Shadowrun and Marvel SH and Heroes Unlimited and Ars Magica and Savage Worlds. Hell, there was even some Changeling in there, if I remember correctly.
Here's the thing I've found, though: in all those games where I was a player NONE OF THEM LASTED. A handful of sessions...if that. It didn't matter how stoked the players were about the game, it didn't matter how much experience the GM had, it didn't matter how shiny and cool the system was or how rockin' the IP. They all piddled out in short order. Because most DMs are as flaky as players. Which is to say: they lack the calling to GM as a vocation.
That's it; that's all. Med school is designed to be hard because we don't want just anyone cutting people open on the operating table and prescribing opioids. You have to really want to practice medicine to become a (licensed) doctor. Now, DMing isn't a life-or-death matter but, like anything, not everyone is called to the Captain's Chair. They just aren't. And that's okay. You, TP, just need to decide whether or not you are.
Do vocational DMs need a break every now and then? Can they ever be players? The answer to both those questions is "yes, of course." Sometimes we need to turn our brains off and just "be" in the game (whatever that RPG happens to be). The body needs sleep to recharge its batteries, and playing has a similar effect on the vocational DM.
But a little reflection will hopefully serve to distinguish whether or not you have a calling.
Back to your second (and third) problems: your sucking as a player. I wasn't at the table with you, so I don't know what kind of DM you have; I don't know whether they have a basic level of competence or how they run their game. Heck, I don't even know anything about the other players (other than one being your fiancee) or what the overall chemistry is of the table. Here's what I'll say:
When it comes to playing games (any kind of game) our amount of enjoyment with regard to "play" is in direct proportion to the amount of engagement and focus we bring to the game. This is true of any game or sport or activity in which we have an attachment to the idea that this "thing" (whatever it is) is "fun."
If (for example) I love playing baseball and think baseball is the funnest thing ever, I will have fun playing baseball, I will enjoy playing baseball, and the result of the game (whether my team wins or loses) will have little to zero impact on that enjoyment. Now, if it's not baseball that drives me but, rather, the game of winning in competition, then I will find great joy ONLY in winning (and great sorrow in losing) and how I played in the game will have only incidental impact on my happiness.
Now, IF I have a love for baseball, such that the winning and losing doesn't bother me overmuch and I just like playing, THEN my focus will be on "playing well." If I am in the field, I will be watching where the runners are, where the batter is putting the ball in play, trying to stay heads up on what I have to do should the ball come to me. If I am pitching, I will be working with the catcher, working with my arm strength, trying to get batters out (however, I'm best able to do that). If I am hitting, I'll be working on my approach, my swing, trying to read the pitcher, trying to guess his strategy in order to have the best at bat I can. If I am a runner, I'll be looking to steal. If I'm on the bench, I'll be cheering for my teammates, paying attention to the game, looking for holes in the other team so that I can have an impact next time I'm up. If I'm the team skipper, I'll be tracking my lineup, watching the other side, keeping tabs on my pitchers, making determinations of when to pull guys, when to pinch hit, when to pinch run, when to send runners, etc. managing the team. And if I'm the umpire, I'm going to be calling the best game I possibly can so that there's no disputes and the game can move along smoothly showing off the skills of the players on the team with little to no interference from myself.
All that is pretty cut-n-dry. Thing is, however, that D&D ain't.
The assumptions and expectations of what D&D is and isn't and what's "important" for play these days is a trainwreck...has been a trainwreck since 1983 or thereabouts. The game was poorly explained to start, and even after it was clearly explained, people didn't understand the ramifications (or misinterpreted them), and decided the game needed "improvement." And the adjustments made to the system and text used in explaining that system have morphed and muddied over the years until it was a complete mess. And NOW the publishers are willing to let the game remain a mess, simply saying "hey, D&D can be whatever you want it to be...go play!"
(*ka-ching* goes the cash register)
TP, maybe you are a "terrible player." Or maybe you aren't but everyone else at your table is. Or maybe you ALL are terrible. The anecdote you provided tells me you lacked engagement and focus. You had "little to contribute" when it came to role-playing? What the hell? If you want to ham it up, ham it up (if that's your table's bag). Don't wait to play...play!
If I was in a game where everything focused around role-playing and "bar fights" (*sigh*) assuming that was what I wanted to be playing and found fun, then the only person to blame for not being engaged with the action is MYSELF. Because anyone can make a "funny voice" for their character (I have video evidence of my children doing this from the age of two...it's not hard), and anyone can tell their DM "I pick up a chair and hit the big guy with the hat while his back is turned," etc.
If that's the game.
Now if that's not the game you want to play...if you'd rather, you know, play Dungeons & Dragons, a game about going on adventures and facing danger in hopes of winning fame and fortune...them the issue is the game you're in, not you. If you find yourself unwilling or unable to engage with the play that's occurring in front of you, then why are you there? Because your fiancee is? Let your fiancee have their activity night and you go do something else that's fun for you...i.e. something you want to engage in. Even if it's just a "different style" of D&D. Later on, you and your fiancee can get together over dinner and drinks and regale each other with tales from your different gaming experiences. How cool would that be?
[I've been married to a non-gamer for 25 years. The answer is: pretty cool]
Now, I said there was possibly a third issue and here it is: you "have exclusively played on Roll20." For goodness sakes, why? Do you live in Antarctica? Or Paraguay? Or a place where you don't speak the language well enough to put together a gaming group? If so, I understand (and sympathize), but otherwise, what the hell are you waiting for? Find a local gaming group or put one together and play face-to-face around a table. The pandemic is over! Maybe your lack of engagement as a player stems from a totally detached gaming experience that only serves to alienate you further than our technology already does.
Take a moment to consider that possibility.
Sincerely,
JB
I've experienced what TP is describing. When I run a game, face to face or online, I stay engaged in the game. But when I'm a player and the game is online, I can zone out during the game.
ReplyDeleteMy friend Dean ran a 4E game, and later converted to 5E. But he kept the style of 4E. Lots of role-play heavy investigation and problem solving for the first 1.5-2 hours, then a big set piece battle at the end. When we played F2F, I never had trouble, but on Roll20, I would zone out all the time in the early parts of the game, unless there was some specific purpose my PC had to achieve. Once the big fight started, I would snap to attention.
I much prefer playing F2F these days.
I think everyone who's ever played "F2F" prefers playing off-line...regardless of the edition.
DeleteWait it's June already? I need to pay rent.
ReplyDeleteNo, sorry...I just needed to take a break from what I was doing.
DeleteYou still have nine days before your rent is due.
; )
This whole post comes down to, "Care about something."
ReplyDeleteYeah, but there's a lot of "stuff" packed into that phrase. I'm all for being pithy, but I've the constant fear of being misinterpreted (or simply missed) by going too small with my statements.
DeleteAlso, I like to write words.
; )
Pithy or not, I felt compelled to say it because you didn't.
DeleteYour posts about the volleyball team you coach says thematically everything you say here. That team invested itself; #29 here hasn't. And doesn't say a thing to suggest he or she ever will. Because #29 doesn't care, not about DMing and not about playing, but about being entertained, about taking no responsibility over his or her own actions, and wanting validation for that. #29 hasn't even the wherewithal to accurately identify whether or not anything is owed to his girlfriend, himself, his therapist or his ADHD. He or she just wants "loving being a player" again to "just happen," with the assumption that it will, once he finds the lucky magic key for the lock whose place remains unknown.
So this is why I said, "Care." Give an Eff. About something. Because this, like so many of the other letters you throw up here, is just one more standing at the back of a long line of pathetic people who can't find happiness because they think it's a brand someone sells... if only they knew the company.
Ah. Yes, I agree with all that. Happiness (or, in the case of this person, "enjoyment") is truly a matter of choice...as are a great many things, including both faith and suffering (to name two off the top of my head).
DeleteBut it's hard to tell that to someone who's struggling just to play D&D and expect them to grasp the concept...that it's all within their own power.
[jeez Louise...it seems like my concept of D&D grows more and more zen every day...]
And so do all things that really matter, as we get older. In part because we see them more clearly, but largely because the doubts we had, and the inconsistencies in our resolve, steadily fall away with experience and investment... until we find ourselves to be that much more mindful of what we're doing and why. It's possible to surrender all but this one thing, when it is this one thing we're doing, without regret, without the infringement of other things that, in this moment, don't matter.
DeleteIt's something we could not have felt in our scatterminded youth... and it is the thing that begins to separate us from that youth once we've surpassed that mindset.
You have something about DMing as a vocation. I know I've always liked it more than playing since I was a kid and felt compelled to do it too. I've had some of the same problems your advisee did with playing but making a concerted effort to engage has really helped me have more fun as a player. I don't generally mind watching other players engage in roleplaying or shenanigans, or get impaitient for my turn, because of all the experience of doing the same as a DM - I do have a hard time jumping in sometimes. It's also nice when players challenge you a little and generally I think I can just go along with what the DM wants out of professional courtesy as much as anything. But working at it, like anything, makes you better.
ReplyDeleteWorking at anything makes you better...if you work at it in the proper way.
DeleteIf I eschew the recipe for making a cake, haphazardly ignoring the ingredients, it won't matter whether I make the cake once, twice, a dozen, or a hundred times...all that "practice" will "perfect" is my ability to make a totally crap-tastic cake. I'll get REALLY GOOD at making a crap cake...after a thousand times, I can make a terrible, terrible cake with my eyes closed, if I so choose.
But no one wants to eat a cake that tastes like crap.
So, it's not JUST about "working at it." One also has to work at it in the proper fashion, approaching the thing with serious intention and informed, reasonable effort.
Sorry...just think that needs to be pointed out.