Low Points

Today is my 48th post of the year. As things appear, 2018 will mark my lowest output of blog posts since I started the B/X Blackrazor blog back in June of 2009.

What can I say? I lost a big chunk of months...four, in fact. The only other time I lost more than two months of blogging was, well, never; my first year I only blogged in seven months, but they were consecutive months (June through December), and I still somehow got more than 300 posts done.

Fact is, this was a down year, for a lot of reasons. Some of those reasons were justifiable...and remain in place. Some were not, and I've tried to eliminate those from my life...trying to focus on the things that truly matter. And while blogging itself might not be super high on my list of priorities, it is...still...a far more practical use of my time than other things. It allows me to practice writing, it allows me to keep my mind on game design, and it allows me to be a part of the gaming community.

These things (writing, design, and community) ARE important to me. And unfortunately, this has been a down year in all three of these areas, too. This is something I intend to rectify, for both my own sanity and my own sense of self-worth.

"Self-worth?" Yeah, that. Part of my personal sense of self-worth comes from contributing constructively of my talents to a wider group of people. Most of what I've been doing lately has been playing small...contributing only to my immediate family, and spending my free time entertaining myself. None of which makes me feel extremely great about myself. My old job (that I worked in for fifteen years before moving to Paraguay) allowed me to feel like I was at least being a useful member of society, even if it wasn't making particular use of my God-given talents and creativity. Lately, though, the only thing I've been able to hang my hat on is the idea that I am "raising good children" who will someday benefit society. Which is...kind of lazy. And not quite good enough, anyway. I mean, if I'M not doing anything for other people, what kind of example am I really providing to my kids? What kind of role-model am I really being?

Anyway, balance and moderation have never really been my strong suits. And that's fine (we all have things we're good at and things we're not). I've been going too far one direction, and it's led me to a low point. It's time to move the scale the other way a bit, and one way I can make that happen is cutting out some of the useless dross that has mired me in inertia, and turn my attention and passion to constructive action...which I realize is both a "duh" thought and an "easier said than done" kind of thing. But that's it, that's where I'm at.

Consider this blog post a mark of my current mental state at this point in time. I shall not be waiting for the New Year to start resolving my resolutions.

Cheers, folks.